'Pologies for the Paucity of Posting

But things are very busy this week. I'm trying to actually get something publishable done, and a bunch of marking, etc. etc. However, I do need to say mention two quick things:

First of all, via a mention at Hairy Fish Nuts, fare-thee-well to Conservative Shambling Zombies.

And,

Fuck.

Blatant Hypocrisy At Oi! Thump!

In our Election Guide, we wrote concerning the Green Party:

One of these days, these guys are going to put some people in Parliament, but it probably won't happen in the strategic voting nightmare that is going to be this election.

But then, in our post-election drivelling, we wrote, again concerning the Greens:

I did actually think they were going to find themselves an MP this time, but even their leader didn't come close.

Explanations are in order! Boards of Inquiry are being convened, subpoenas are being issued, witnesses are being whisked to undisclosed locations, etc. We will get to the bottom of this scandal! Or maybe we could just admit that we fucked up mildly and move on.

Lame Moments in Sports #15

This is a couple of days old, but what the Hell:

Mighty Ducks of Anaheim to change name
Canadian Press
1/27/2006 12:17:29 PM

ANAHEIM, Calif. (CP) - The Anaheim Mighty Ducks are Mighty no more.

The NHL club said Friday it will change its name to the Anaheim Ducks starting next season, dropping Mighty from the moniker after nearly two thirds of fans surveyed said they supported the switch.

The lameness is not in the fact that the team is changing its name. That is, indeed, a good thing. The lameness comes from the the fact that for 13 (thirteen) fucking years the NHL included a team which the fucking Walt Disney Corporation had named after a fucking Emilio Estevez movie. This represented possibly the lowest point in the history of the League, and possibly the history of ice hockey overall. So we at Oi! Thump! say to the folks in Anaheim: get rid of it all. Everything associated with that hideous travesty of profit-driven business-think. Lose the name (simply switching it to "Anaheim Ducks," as is the plan, is not enough), the logo, the colours, the mascot, the entire shabang. Only then can the healing begin. And as far as your new name is concerned, no singular names, no weird-ass "Los Angeles Turnips of Somewhere North of Mexico Who Play in Anaheim" crap like your baseball team did, no replacing the "s" at the end of your name with "z", and for fuck's sake no ephemeral pop-culture references. Just be the "Anaheim Somethings" and get on with playing hockey.

Gamer Geek Alert!

We have added a link to the oh-so-funny Order of the Stick. If you're a gamer and have not been following it, you've been missing out.

Fun Stuff From Around the Blogosphere

In which we let other people do the legwork...

Anyhoo, Hairy Fish Nuts has uncovered possibly the bestest example of anti-gay buffoonery ever. The Rev., over at The Woodshed, has been shining the light of truth on a couple of the more cockroachy members of our new government (no offense to cockroaches intended here). And, at Creekside, there's illustrated proof that we could do with a little bit of proportional representation. I mention these three blogs in particular because they have taken the plunge and linked to Oi! Thump!; I am humbly grateful, and wish to extend many thanks, albeit belatedly, to the authors.

There is excellent stuff elsewhere as well. Agitprop has left off picking on Bill O'Reilly for a moment to run a pessimistic but excellent piece by Gore Vidal. Cathie from Canada, at her eponymous blog, has delved into the murky waters of Canadian sovereignty in the Arctic. And, lastly for now, the Canadian Cynic has been bashing the gay-bashers with the big spiky club of rationality and clear thinking.

I would like to close by giving the Official Oi! Thump! Promise (Still Inadmissable In Court!!) that we will get off our lazy asses and do some of our own work here shortly. In the meantime, peace out.

This Just In

McKenna to leave Washington, seen as Liberal leadership contender
Last Updated Wed, 25 Jan 2006 20:33:07 EST
CBC News

Just two days after the Conservatives came out ahead in the federal election, Frank McKenna, Canada's ambassador to the United States, has offered his resignation.

Oi! Thump! called this one Monday night. And I think that McKenna's getting out of the Ottawa gig at the right time. The next ambassador to the U.S. is going to have to bring his kneepads with him, and leave his personal dignity at home.

More Election Thoughts

Surprises: Bad

• Another failed breakthrough by the Greens. I did actually think they were going to find themselves an MP this time, but even their leader didn't come close.
  
  
• On a similar note, the poor performance of the FPNP. Our fledgling native party barely scraped up 1000 votes. I know they weren't running many people, but a few more votes would have been nice.
  
  
• The fact that Ann McClelland didn't get elected. I honestly thought Cardiac Annie, whom I have immense respect for, was going to pull off another one.
  
  

Whine, Whine, Whine

I was a tad worried that the Conservative victory in the election was going to herald the death of one of my favourite literary genres: the Conservative Post-Election Whinerant (see particularly glorious example here). However, as it turns out, I had nothing to fear...

Family Advocate Pleased to See 'Man of Integrity' as Canada's New PM
By Chad Groening
January 25, 2006

(AgapePress) - A Canadian pro-family activist says while he is very pleased that the Conservatives have finally returned to power after 13 years of Liberal Party rule, he is disappointed that so many of his fellow countrymen voted for the outgoing party -- which he views as "corrupt."

Stephen Harper told thousands of supporters in Calgary that Canadians voted for change -- and that his party will take the lead in delivering that change. But the Conservatives did not win enough seats to form a majority government. As Brian Rushfeldt explains, that will mean a coalition must be struck with the Left.

"One hundred and twenty-four Conservatives cannot pass a piece of legislation without joining forces either with the block or the ND," says the co-founder and executive director of the Canada Family Action Coalition. "That concerns me -- that they're going to have to form a coalition with one of those other parties that don't have much in common with us."

Ah yes, the governing party is actually going to have to talk to people with whom it might not be in 100% agreement on everything. Terrifying. Think of the awfulness that might ensue from government by coalition! Broad ranges of opinion being put forth, moderation being the order of the day, the CFAC agenda not being put into practice, etc. It's rather easy to see why this particular little fascist is upset.

What? Did Something Happen?

So, the election results are in, and the battle that has had Canadians in its grip since before Christmas has been decided. Yes, once again, the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada has defeated the Communist Party of Canada. They even increased their margin of victory from last time.

Anyway, over the next few days, we'll be publishing the first ever Oi! Thump! Post-Election Guide, which will enable you, the reader, to come to grips with what has just transpired in our fair nation. Anyway, we begin tonight on a positive note:

Surprises: Good

• The New Democrats done good. Now, this is a good thing in and of itself; however, as others have pointed out, it may have deleterious effects on reality-based politics in the long run. However, it's good on a basic level to see them doing well.
  
  
• The Marijuana Party got 8% of the vote in Nunavut... This may be odd rather than good, but it is definitely surprising.
  
  
• The Bloc lost ground in Quebec. Unfortunately, they lost it to the Conservatives, but still...
  
  
• British Columbia, particularly urban B.C., screwed with the final results. Taking 5 seats off the Conservatives and giving 4 of them to the NDP? WTF? Writing from the mono-partisan dreariness of Alberta, one can only sigh in envy.
  

Them's the major ones, anyway. If any others occur to me, I'll post them up. Tomorrow: Surprises: Bad.

Thank God That's Over

Well, there you have it: Oi! Thump's complete guide to the (rapidly) upcoming federal election. Use it wisely, my children, and we'll be back to complain about the election results when it's all over!

Last, and Certainly Least...

We have the Western Block Party.

Where to start with these losers... Well, let's begin by talking about a party whose leader vanished from sight shortly before the election was called. We could also mention that said leader has ties to neo-Nazis, and that he's pretty much a pillock in general. We could go on, but I think you get the idea. Whiny, greedy, cruel little chickenshits, the lot of them, but fortunately no threat to anything.

If this party were an animal, it would be: passed out drunk.



Position on environmental concerns? The environment is our slave (Note: this is probably very similar to the WBP's policy on women).

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Grovelling sycophancy, for the most part.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 100%. Which is ironic...

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? After careful consideration of the many complex issues involved in this election, I have decided not to support the Western Block Party. Because they're fucking twits.

Nearly Done!

The penultimate party is the Progressive Canadian Party.

Ah, the party comprised of those Progressive Conservatives who had souls when the old PCs merged with the Reform Alliance thingy. It actually would not take much to get me to vote for these guys, particularly in this election, except that, once again, they are not running in my riding. God, I hope I don't pick up my ballot on Monday and find out that there are only three candidates to chose from. Anyway, the Progressive Canadian Party is almost as left-wing as the NDP, overall, and actually seem like quite decent folks. Pity they haven't got a prayer in this election.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A bengal tiger, or some other animal that is in danger of being wiped out by conservatives.



Position on environmental concerns? Would keep Kyoto.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Hard to tell, actually.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? I'm guessing maybe 3%, if the conservative part of their past reared its head. Not very likely, in any case.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? No, see above.

Hey, We Might Actually Get This Thing Done...

...as we push on, and arrive at the New Democratic Party.

What the fuck is it with nauseating colour schemes on party websites this time around? Yeesh. Anyway, the mildly socialistic NDP are in some danger of losing the political power they got last time. On the other hand, they are also in danger of holding the balance of power opposite a minority conservative government, which would be frickin' hilarious to watch.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A cute little squirrel, one which is capable of killing a dog.



Position on environmental concerns? The environment must be protected!

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Ambivalence.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 0%

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? It's a possibility.

Closer, closer...

Well, we could hardly talk about the Communist Party of Canada without describing their nemeses, the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada.

Last time out, these guys were all about the Hardial Bains, but he's conspicuous by his absence from the website this time around. Also conspicuous by its absence from the website is something that is not a hideous red-and-yellow colour scheme. But enough about that. The MLPC seems to have garnered a few ideas from the Bloc on the subject of Quebec independence, and there's lots of stuff about defending the rights of workers, which is both predictable and good. Oh, and I take back the Hardial Bains comment; here he is!

If this party were an animal, it would be: A bear, but not the same bear as the Communist Party of Canada.



Position on environmental concerns? As long as the workers aren't getting screwed over...

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Hatred.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 0%

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? Except for the Quebec thing, I'd be tempted to, but they're not fucking running in my riding, dammitall.

Smokin'

Next up in the rapid-fire election guide, we have the Marijuana Party.

This is truly a one-issue party. No, really. Actually, they have a fair bit to say about internet regulation as well, but at heart, these guys are all about freein' the bud. A worthy effort, probably, since criminalization of marijuana is moronic and expensive (mostly moronic). And, you have a like a political party that uses an obscenity, albeit an asterisked obscenity, in their party platform.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A marijuana plant.



Position on environmental concerns? Legalizing hemp is probably a good environmental thing to do.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Visceral fear.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? Probably not very high.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? They are running exactly one candidate in Alberta, and he's not in Oi! Thump!'s riding.

I Think Some Parties Are Going To Get Left Out Of The Election Guide...

But here's the Libertarian Party, anyway.

The Libertarians have cleaned up the train wreck that was their web site last time out, but there still the same old Libertarians at heart. I was interested to note that they are still clinging to the hoary old pseudo-economic logic for supporting and encouraging price gouging during times of national calamity. Nice, guys. Anyway, they're definitely the party for lazy people who don't give a rat's ass about other folks.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A rat. Yes, sometimes the obvious choice is the best one.



Position on environmental concerns? They really don't care.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? They don't like Americans; apparently our neighbours aren't libertarian enough for them.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 0%. This may be the only issue on which I agree with the Libertarians.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? You couldn't pay me to.

Moving Right Along

And here we have the dreaded Liberal Party.

Well, they're going to get spanked on Monday, probably given a wee timeout to think about their past sins. And what sins are those, you ask? Well, let's begin with a calculated (and successful) attempt to wrest the party away from somebody who wasn't actually doing that bad a job, and then subsequently failing to live up to standards. And unless Ralph Klein rides to their rescue once again, there's going to be some fairly spectacular bloodletting in the Liberal party after this election.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A beached whale.



Position on environmental concerns? Whatever will attract voters.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Probably better than we think it is.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 0%

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? Probably not.

A Day Late etc. etc.



Awwww, it's Winnie the Pooh! Anyway, Oi! Thump! turned two yesterday, and I thought y'all should bask in the momentousness of the occasion.

Dammit!

Lost whale dies after rescue bid

A whale that became stranded in the River Thames has died after a massive rescue attempt to save its life.

Oi! Thump! Suddenly Realizes That The Election Is, Like, 3 Days Away, And Decides To Get Its Ass In Gear On This Election Guide Boondoggle

Here's the Green Party.

Ah, the Green party. Starting to get the support due a major party, but none of the respect. One of these days, these guys are going to put some people in Parliament, but it probably won't happen in the strategic voting nightmare that is going to be this election. Oh, and keeping them out of the leaders' debates is fucking undemocratic, so stop it. One piece of criticism: Let's just say that there's an early 1980s issue of Owl Magazine on Line 1, and it wants its election signs back.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A nightingale. Nice voice, awfully hard to see.



Position on environmental concerns? Um, hello? The Green party?!??

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Foreign policy ain't really their thang, but they are protectionist to a degree.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? Zilch.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? Probably.

In Other Whale-Related News...

...we present this:

Lost whale 'seen heading for sea'

A possible sighting of a whale in the River Thames near Greenwich has given fresh hope that it may soon reach the sea and ultimately safety.
Fears had been growing for the 16-18ft (5m) northern bottle-nosed whale which came as far upstream as Chelsea.

Chelsea is a long way up the Thames. Go whale!!

They Ran Out of Dog Crap and Paper Bags

Dead whale left outside embassy

A huge beached whale has been dumped outside the Japanese embassy in Berlin in a Greenpeace anti-whaling protest.

I, personally, think this is awesome.

New Reading Material!!!!

We've got a new blog in the list of blogs we like, and it comes from here:

Part Whatever of the Election Guide

Today we've got the First Peoples National Party of Canada.

Ok, so we've needed a Native voice in Parliament for the longest time (Fun fact: Canadian aboriginals didn't even get the vote until 1961). And, lo-and-behold, the FPNPC has stepped forward! Their platform is predictable, involving raising the status and well-being of Natives in the economic and social spheres, and their platform reads like what Dept. of Indian Affairs ought to be doing. An interesting bunch, to say the least...

If this party were an animal, it would be: I really have no idea.

Position on environmental concerns? Very, very in favour. They actually have enviromentalism enshrined in the "spiritual" section of their platform.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? They're anti-NAFTA, but generally seem fairly friendly.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? Unknown.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? No candidate in our riding, but we'd seriously consider it if there were.

Next up, it's the Greenies!

I Really Want To See This Bird...

Researcher: Early Man Was Hunted by Birds
By ALEXANDRA ZAVIS, Associated Press Writer
Thu Jan 12, 1:27 PM ET

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa - A South African anthropologist said Thursday his research into the death nearly 2 million years ago of an ape-man shows human ancestors were hunted by birds.

And then there's this:

Taiwan breeds green-glowing pigs
By Chris Hogg
BBC News, Hong Kong

Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that "glow in the dark".



Because what the world has been lacking since the dawn of civilization is glow-in-the-dark animals...

BWA-HA-HA

Saw this here, and felt that I must share it with you all, devoted readers. There's just so much right about it! Anyway, here 'tis:

This Reminds Me of Something...

Ok, this is old news by now:

Alito's Wife Leaves In Tears After 'Bigot' Question
POSTED: 7:19 am EST January 12, 2006

WASHINGTON -- Martha-Ann Bomgardner left her husband's confirmation hearings in tears, returning not long after. The episode elicited sympathy for her from senators of both parties -- and instant finger-pointing.

However, it had been niggling away in the back of my mind, because it sure as hell reminded me of something I'd read. And then I remembered what that something was...



Perhaps there may be someone who is offended at me, when he calls to mind how he himself, on a similar or even a less serious occasion, had recourse to prayers and supplications with many tears, and how he produced his children in court, which was a moving spectacle, together with a posse of his relations and friends; whereas I, who am probably in danger of my life, will do none of these things.

Wow. Socrates was on trial for his life, and even he didn't stoop so low as to make a spectacle out of his family.

Whatsit Six of Our Election Guide

Presenting... The Conservative Party of Canada!

At this point, they can taste it. It's right there, so close, only a couple of weeks not even until they can, um, well, what can they do, should the current poll numbers hold up and they form the next government? Well, not as much as you'd think. They're not going to ban gay marriage, because the courts would slap them silly. Nor will they use the notwithstanding clause to push it through, since doing something that stupidly petty would mean that the next election results for them will make Kim Campbell look like a landslide winner. They won't send us to Iraq, although they would probably like to. Their best friends to the South of us are going through a bit of a rough patch, so cozying up to them isn't really an option. That pretty much leaves wrecking the economy, and, although they'll give it their best shot, the Canadian economy is fairly resilient. So they'll muddle along until the Canadian populace decides that the Liberals have been punished enough, and then they'll go away again. In the meantime we'll get to laugh at Stephen Harper.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A pet rock. Not terribly interesting, and useful only for breaking things.



Position on environmental concerns? They're in favour of environmentalism, as long as nobody offers them any money at all to be otherwise.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Alternates between being slavishly sycophantic and pretending not to be slavishly sycophantic.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 0%. See above.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? No.

Next in line is, I believe, the First Peoples National Party of Canada.

Yeah, Yeah, We'll Blog About the Conservatives Later

Funny. Cruel, but funny. The best part is that Oi! Thump! has actually participated in 7 out of the 10 listed hobbies...

Silence Unsilenced

We thought that this blog had ceased to operate, but lo-and-behold there was a new post over the holiday! Hopefully a sign of things to come.

Now Where Were We...

Ah, yes, we were up to the Communist Party of Canada.

While many parties of this ilk in North America would be ashamed to be thought of as socialist, the CPC proudly displays its old-school political leanings, as befits one of Canada's oldest political parties. And, actually, the name pretty much sums it up; shockingly, they have a left-wing platform. While winning seats is pretty much beyond them, they'll be looking to make up some ground on their arch-rivals, the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada, who womped them by a nearly 2-1 margin last time around. I'd be more optimistic about their chances if they actually gave candidate information on their web-site. And if they actually ran candidates in Saskatchewan, the freakin' birthplace of Canadian socialism, which they don't seem to have done last time around.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A bear, of course. What did you think I was going to say?



Position on environmental concerns? In favour!

Attitude towards our friends to the South? I don't think they like the Bush boys, much.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 0%

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? Oi! Thump! is thinking about it.

We're back to the biggies in the next chapter, as we run the rule over the Conservatives.

Issues...

...of the computer variety are keeping us from doing a lot of posting these days. We'll be back on Monday with the continuation of the election coverage boondoggle, additional snarkiness, and so on and so forth. 'Til then, take it easy, but take it (with many, many apologies to Woody Guthrie).

Pat Robertson Says Something Dumb
In Other News: Water Wet

US: TV EVANGELIST SAYS ISRAELI PREMIER'S STROKE IS DIVINE RETRIBUTION

Virginia Beach, 6 Jan. (AKI) Conservative Christian evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson has claimed Israel's prime minister Ariel Sharon's massive and probably fatal stroke this week was divine retribution for ordering his country's withdrawal from the Gaza Strip and four West Bank settlements last August-September, after 38 years of occupation, Israeli daily Haaretz reported on Friday.

I suspect that reputable news sources started working on this story as soon as Sharon got sick; it was, after all, inevitable.

Ahhhhh, Crap

Mine officials 'sincerely regret' miscommunication over deaths
Last Updated Wed, 04 Jan 2006 16:44:51 EST
CBC News

A mining executive has apologized for a "tragic miscommunication" that led the families of 12 dead miners to falsely believe they had survived an accident.

As if a bunch of people dying in a mining disaster wasn't sad enough in its own right...

The Fourth Circle of the Oi! Thump! Election Guide

Where our intrepid adventurers encounter the dreaded Christian Heritage Party.

Well, not so much dreaded, as mocked. Whereas to the south of us the religious right is a potent political force, it just ain't so up here. What there is of it is generally represented by the long-suffering Christian Heritage Party, a walking argument for proportional representation. "But Oi! Thump!," you say, "wouldn't rep-by-pop mean that these numbskulls would actually get seats in parliament?" Indeed it would, gentle reader, and wouldn't you pay to see these guys spewing Question Period vitriol at whatever group they were hating on at that particular moment? It would ensure the success of left-wing legislation for years.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A chipmunk, or perhaps a chp-monk. Ok, ok, I was just leaving.



Position on environmental concerns? Oddly enough, quite strong (in a good way) on alternative energy sources.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Depends which friends to the south we're talking about. They're working overtime during this campaign not to look like Ralph Reed North, but the connection's there.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 1,258,416,873.54%. If these folks didn't try to bring back the death penalty for sodomy, we'd be a bit surprised.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? Hmmm, lemme think....

In the on-deck circle: the Communist Party of Canada!

'Tis the Season to be Optimistic

Via Alternet:

2005 Wasn't All Bad
By Katha Pollitt, The Nation. Posted January 3, 2006.
Bush is on the defensive. The GOP is mired in corruption. The media are waking up. Here are 14 good things that happened in 2005.

All year long it's been one piece of bad news after another, but now it's time to put on the rose-colored glasses and list some of the good things that happened in 2005.

Indeedy. And I'd add a couple to the list:

15) On the local front, it seems that the national (and even international) embarassment that has been the EPS for the last few years may be getting better. We've got a new chief, and his plan to improve matters seems to involve (Shock! Horror!) talking to citizens.

16) Nationally, we finally joined a handful of other progressive nations and legalized gay marriage. Decriminalization of marijuana fell by the wayside, but 1 out of two at leasts indicates some progress in ridding ourselves of some of our dumber laws.

17) Oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge got shot down. Twice. In a year that included drowning polar bears and nearly-extinct bengal tigers, we'll take what we can get.

Oi! Thump! Election Guide: Tomvs III

Well, we've had environmentalists and Quebecois separatists. Now, we have the Canadian Action Party.

This is kind of an odd little group. Their main platform is that they really, really, like Canada (which is fine), and the solution to all our problems is to use the Bank of Canada (which does not, I'm afraid, ring of superb economic theory). Oh, and our main problem is that we are living in a toxic, U.S.-run, corporate-dominated, military police state (or are going to be soon), which is probably an overstatement (and a Conservative wet dream). As you might guess, they're not big fans of NAFTA (who is?).

If this party were an animal, it would be: The mighty and majestic beaver.



Position on environmental concerns? Definitely in favour of protecting and rebuilding the environment.

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Whoa Nelly! Ferocious Canadian apologists, in the true sense of that word.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? 0%. A major plank of their platform is not doing what the Americans are doing.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? We so want to like them (they dislike the Byfields!!). We're leery of them (a little too David-Orchardy for our tastes). We're proud of them (they want Canada to stand up for itself). The Bank of Canada obsession is worrying. We're so confused...

Bring on the Christian Heritage Party!!