Monday, October 25, 2004

Jesus Murphy, has it really been ten days?

Um, yeah, so we've been busy. I have a German oral exam and a German written exam both coming up, a poopload of marking on the horizon, and I just finished a truly crappy paper. So fuck off. Normal service will be resumed soon. If you are truly missing the Oi! Thump! experience, I would suggest finding a print edition of the latest column by somebody named "Byfield" (he's having trouble this time figuring out which group of Easterners he hates most!) or "Corbela" (this week she thinks that Canada's becoming some sort of fundie Muslim state) or another of their ilk and urinating on it from a great height. It'll tide you over, anyway.

Friday, October 15, 2004

An old friend drops in on Oi! Thump!

So, we were all sitting around in the top-secret Oi! Thump! headquarters, nursing our hangovers and pondering the nasty political situation in the large country to the south of us, when the doors banged open and in strolled Pliny the Younger. That's right, Mr. Caius Plinius Caecilius Secundus himself. Now, we hadn't seen much of Pliny since he passed away in about A.D. 112, but, given what's been in the water around here since the unicorn fell into the cistern and drowned, we weren't all that surprised when he showed up.

"Why so glum?" he asked.

"Weeel," we said, "our good friends to the south of us look like they might actually, if you can believe it, elect to their highest office a man who would make you long for the days of Domitian."

"Ye Gods, not George W. Bush!" said Pliny.

"Unfortunately, yes," we replied, warming to the topic at hand. "You should have seen the little twerp debating his opponent the other night. Oratory is fucking dead, man."

"Now there, you speak the truth," quoth our guest. "Indeed (and I remember expressing similar sentiments once long ago in a letter to my friend Maximus) I am ashamed to describe the speeches of today,

the mincing accents in which they are delivered,

and the puerile applause they receive."

Then we all hit the sambuca and the rest of the night is a bit of a blur.

For the record, the letter to Maximus is Pliny II.14.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Jeebus we're spending a lot of time on the Byfields lately...

...but they're just so darn poke-fun-at-able. Here's Byfield pere:

Sun, October 3, 2004
Albertans must prepare for the storm
By Ted Byfield -- Calgary Sun

Possibly the most significant date in the history of Alberta will fall within a year after Nov. 22. That's the date of the provincial election.

Some time after that, the Martin government will announce the New National Energy Program, the purpose of which will be to commandeer Alberta's natural resource revenues and convey them to Eastern Canada generally and to Quebec in particular.

This is not a possibility.

I think we should consider it a dead certainty.

Yup, the jack-booted thugs of the Eastern Commissars will come into your house, smash your kid's piggy-bank, and cart the proceeds back to Ontario and Quebec, laughing like fiends all the while. IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN PEOPLE!!! AND SOON!!! LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!!! But don't panic, Ted is here to tell you what to do.

I also believe it imposes on every Albertan a single decision.

When the Martin government proposes this, will we vote to separate from Canada?

Um, I'm going to put the rent money down on "No" for that one, Ted. Sorry 'bout that.

All this sounds like dire alarmism, I know, but consider the circumstances.

First the economic ones: Oil has hit $50 a barrel and is altogether likely to keep on going up.

That confers enormous economic advantage on this province.

And, in Ted's Alberta, we take that enormous economic advantage and sit on top of it, glaring hatefully at the neighbours all the while.

It will funnel billions more into the oil sands, and make Alberta the economic engine of the whole country.

Last week, we saw Imperial Oil announce it was finally moving its head office into Alberta, where it should have been all along.

This is only a beginning.

Money, jobs, technology, all these things and many more will begin gravitating into the province.

So far so good. This is supposed to provoke us to separate?

Now consider the political circumstances:

The minority Martin government almost certainly must face an election within two years, and it can call one any time it pleases.

To gain a majority, it must win more seats in Quebec and Ontario. The surefire means to gain support down there is to promise a major raid on "the Rich Oil Barons," meaning us.

It's a formula that has never failed. It is bound to happen.

Ok, that probably wins the 2004 award for "Most Concentrated Bullshit in a Newspaper Column." C'mon down, Ted!! Anyway, the "formula" has never failed because it's never been tried. Winning more seats in Quebec and Ontario (and the West) is going to be better achieved by supporting the frickin' municipalities anyway.

It is also a double-edged sword because it will cause a devastating split in the Tories.

Their Alberta and Western wing will go one way and their Ontario and Eastern wing will go another.

So we will have a single-issue federal election.

Do you want a government that is prepared to "stand for the interests of all Canada," or one that will "serve only the interests of a single, already very rich province?"

The Liberals will go back with a landslide.

The Alberta boom will come to an abrupt end.

Because every time the Liberals get into power, Alberta gets automatically screwed. Oh wait, what's the opposite of getting screwed? Right, that's what happens.

Anyway, the rest of the article is basically concerned with the timing of the descent of the Liberal hordes on Alberta, and whether they'll get here before the Queen does. And whether that will provoke loony people to try to hijack the provincial Conservative Party leadership. I mean, it's not like that's happening already... Or like it's never happened in the past... However, Ted does close off with a piece of good advice:

The answer is that we can think out the issue -- not angrily but coolly, not emotionally but rationally.


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Ah, the first post of October...

Our friend Link has decided that he's had enough of boring people stupid with his "rants" in the Edmonton Sun, and has apparently decided to take his little act to the national stage. Actually, this is pretty funny. If he wins, we're going to get to see ol' Link on his knees in front of Paul Martin begging for a job.

Fri, October 1, 2004

I'm in the race
By LINK BYFIELD -- Calgary Sun

Not the human race, surely.

It now looks almost certain that a provincial election will occur on Monday, Nov. 22.

This matters to me personally, because I'm running in it.

So, elections only matter to the people who're running them? Interesting take on democracy there, old boy.

I'm standing as a candidate for the Senate.

But Link, you do realize that will mean you will have to come out of your bunker, and actually go to Ottawa, should you win and sufficiently fellate the necessary people to actually get a seat.

On voting day, Albertans will be given two ballots, one to pick their local MLA, and the other to choose provincewide candidates for Alberta's three existing Senate vacancies.

Premier Klein will send the top three picks to Prime Minister Paul Martin, urging him to appoint them.

There is, of course, no guarantee Martin will do so. Alberta's first senatorial winner was appointed back in 1989.

Normally, however, prime ministers choose favourites from within their own party who nobody's heard of.

Actually, doofus, most of us have heard of the Prime Minister's own party.

This is why the Canadian Senate has little credibility or public respect.

Whereas, when the Byfield dynasty takes up its rightful seat in Canada's own House of Lords, the credibility and respect will shoot right through the roof! Hooray!

And so on and so forth. Anyway, I want to urge everyone out there to vote for Link for Senate. If he's elected, and his blowjob is of such quality that Martin actually appoints him, I promise, right here on this here blog, that we will shine the bright arc-light of accountability on Mr. Link. We will track his every move in the Upper Chamber! We will note the significance of his every utterance (except the snoring). We will present you with indepth statistical analysis of his salary versus the benefits you, the Canadian taxpayer, are deriving from it! In short, we will pester to the max! Until we get bored.