Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Welcome, To The World of Tomorrow!!!

In what I am sure is dreadful breach of some sort of blogging etiquette, I have travelled back in time from the distant future, from the era known to us as April 17, 2006, to say "Hello!" to everyone who has come here looking for a picture of a camel (my statcounter gnomes inform me that there are many of you). It's an odd phenomenon, since there is not, actually, a picture of a camel here, although there is a link to one. The actual picture you are looking for is right here. However, if you're not in too much a rush to find this particular picture, I would like to invite you all over to the main page of this blog, where I occasionally accidentally post interesting things! Happy camel-hunting, in any case!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

First We Had the War on Christmas, Now This...

Conservative Undeath alerts us to yet another savage attack on our Judaeo-Christian values...

Famed Hat Not The Only Yellow Thing About The New Curious George

Integral to the Curious George mythos is the character referred to as “The Man In The Yellow Hat” who takes care of George and helps him out of all the mischief the rambunctious primate happens to get into. But in this era where it is said traditional values no longer exist and the worth of one’s character is determined by what trendy progressive causes one might happen to support, the kindness he bestows upon his furry companion is no longer enough to demonstrate his compassion and understanding. Now in order to be categorized as an appropriate cinematic protagonist or figure worthy of admiration, the back story of The Man In The Yellow Hat must be altered to placate the sensitivity sentinels.

Ah yes, the dreaded "sensitivity sentinels." "Then they came for a small fictional monkey, and I spoke out tediously and plaintively, like I do every time I don't get exactly what I want."

According to Georgite canon, The Man In The Yellow Hat originally captured George on behalf of a zoo. Now in the movie version, The Man In The Yellow Hat is employed as an archaeologist sent to Africa on a quest for artifacts.

Oh my god, they're fucking with Curious George!! Noooooooooooo!! Because, as we all remember from our childhoods, the single most important item in the whole Curious George narrative was the fact that the MITYH was, not to put too fine a point on it, a poacher.

The reason behind the career change, the film’s director told USA Today, is that today capturing an animal would seem harsh and amounts to stealing. While George seems quite childlike in his stories, it must be remembered he is just an animal. Therefore, how can he be stolen unless inappropriately taken from another human being?

Ah, the conservative mind strikes again: if it can't be done with gratuitous cruelty, it's not worth doing. Anyway, as far as our little simian friend is concerned (I mean Curious George, not the author of the article), one feels moved to point out that he is portrayed as capable of finding gainful employment, and as receiving his medical care in a hospital as opposed to a veterinary clinic. Not bad for "just an animal," especially considering that most of the Conservative Life mob can only manage one of those two things, and that on a good day. And I can honestly say that I really I had no idea, when I crawled out of bed this morning, that I would devote some of my precious supply of brain power to arguing with conservatives over the humanity of Curious George.

It’s not like George ends up being used in laboratory experimentation. From what’s depicted in the storybooks, it always looked like he had a pretty good life as do many other zoo animals.

That is a truly stupid paragraph.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Things are getting nitpicky...

...Over at "Ashamed to be Canadian."

Vancouver Sun informs readers: Harper is a "devil", and "scary".

Oi! Thump! informs readers: PTBC writers are "hilarious", and "borderline illiterate".

Nowhere in the article is anyone—not a pollster, nor a politician, not even a Marxist university professor—quoted as saying Conservative leader Stephen Harper is a “devil”, not even in the context of the cliché “...the devil we don’t know...”; nor that Harper is “scary”.

That's a nice mountain ya got there, boy. However, somebody wants to talk to you...

"Hey, give me back my hill, you asshole!

And a bit later, the whining continues:

Nope! No media bias against conservatives here!

Oh, muffin! Typical Canadian conservative: take a news item that, by squinting at it while turning your head, might, might, be construable as not entirely slavishly devoted to conservatism, and carry on as though somebody actually did something harmful to you. Wankers.
Che cazzo?

Aaaaaa!! My eyes! My beautiful eyes!!!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Retraction and Correction

We admit it, we were wrong. A little while ago, we wrote a whiny entry on these pages lamenting the absence of true conservative looniness in the Great White North. Hoo boy, did we drop on the ball on that one. Please be assured that the Elite Oi! Thump! Wingnut Stalking Brigade has been firmly disciplined.

Anyhoo, step forward the page that showed us the error of our ways! Step forward... Craig!!!!

Craig thinks that only Canada could elect a gay coke addict as a leader. We actually agree with this one; the U.S. guy only got one out of two on that score. Craig also seems to that the describing Quebec as "Queer-bec" is wildly hilarious. We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one.

Craig has no fucking idea what the word "pagan" means.

Craig thinks that Paul Martin and Saddam Hussein have been having wild, sweaty sex.

We're gonna be checking in on Craig every so often; he's just too much fun.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Oh Fuck, He's At It Again

When is Fred Henry going to go after this guy?

Natural leader
Written by Paul Jackson
Sunday, November 20, 2005

Bush personifies all that pseudo-intellectuals detest

DALLAS—President George W. Bush is reviled by the Lib-Left media and its adherents and the pseudo-intellectual set in much the same way as President Ronald Reagan was reviled by the Lib-Left media and the pseudo-intellectual set.

As we now know, Reagan was actually smarter than all of his detractors, and it may well be Bush will turn out that way, too.

Uh, dude, Reagan was pretty sure most of the time that he was acting in a movie. And, as for Bush being smarter, wouldn't it have been nice if he had decided to be smarter before he became President of the world's leading nuclear superpower? Wouldn't that have been great?

Anyhoo, the, ah, money shot in this column is here:

Johnson notes Bush is good-looking, upright, a Texan and a man of self-assurance.

Without delving into the fact that Mr. Jackson cites a certain "Johnson" as his source for Bush's sexual magnetism, let's just note that this "Johnson" pretty much goes 0-for-4 in the above sentence. Let's see:


Nope. How about Upright?

Well, not so much "upright", per se, as "not upright". But his Texan-ness, that at least must be, aha, unimpeachable...

Not with that sweater, he ain't. But surely he's Self-Assured:

And the shutout is complete!!! Anyway, Paul, we thought you had given this sort of thing a rest, and I must say we are very, very, disappointed.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Attempt at Conservative Satire Goes Horribly, Horribly, Wrong

So, somebody at Conservative Undeath decided to try its hand at a wee bit of satire. Its attempt fell woefully short, however, as a) satire is supposed to have a point, and b) a certain "ol' goat," last seen gettin' some from a certain "Officer Vin," fell for it (check out the first response to the article). Ah, there's nothing like watching dumb people try to deal with irony.

Lame Moments in Sports #13

In which Steve Yzerman apparently is possessed by the ghost of Tiger Williams' career.

Red Wings captain Steve Yzerman has voiced his opinion about the new NHL - and so far, he's not a fan.

"Everybody keeps saying this is great. It's not great," Yzerman told the Detroit Free Press.

"It's not hockey."

Erm, baseball perhaps? Or golf?

"There are penalties all over," he told the Free Press.

Ya know, Steve, if the NHL had been calling penalties throughout your career the way they are now, you'd have about half again as many career points as you do now, so stop complaining.

"I'll just use Mathieu Schneider's penalty as an example. He steps up and takes his guy out, and his stick gets caught and the crowd cheers so the referee puts his hand up. There has to be some discretion. The referees have to use some judgment on what is a penalty and what is not. They've taken judgment out of it and I think it's somewhat made it easy on the referees just to call anything, because there is no judgment.

"Good referees used to have good judgment. Now they've taken that out of the game. I'm not saying I'm blaming the referees for it, I just feel the whole thing has to be adjusted and they have to look at this seriously. They can't continue to call irrelevant things that have no business being called."

Ok, this is actually the lame part of this whole thing. Read those two paragraphs, and try to find some sort of point in it, beyond some sort of vague sense that referees=bad. It's a beautiful example of jock-talk.

Yzerman, in his 22nd and possibly last NHL season, has two goals and four assists for the Red Wings in 2005.

You know, I do have a lot of respect for Steve Yzerman. Twenty-two seasons, several Stanley Cups, one of the biggest goals in the history of Team Canada, and generally a class act through it all. And that's why this whole thing is so disappointing. With interest in hockey up, a more entertaining game, in general, on the ice, and a heightened sense of parity across the league, to hear something like this from one of the game's supposed "ambassadors" is just sad. He'll probably get fined for this, and rightly so. Steve, the next time some media chappie asks you your opinion on the new NHL, please keep your mouth shut.
We're adding stuff to the list of blogs we like, again. We got yer donkeys, and we got yer odd intradomestic weather conditions. Enjoy.

Listen All Of Y'all It's A Sabotage

After monthys of travel by dogsled, blimp, Sopwith Camel, tramp steamer, rocket-ship, actual camel, and hansom cab, the top-notch Oi! Thump! Election Monitoring Team arrived in Canada to keep an eye on the upcoming federal election, just so that things are, you know, on the up-and-up. Of course, the fact that we live in Canada helped out, a bit. Anyway, herein begins our election coverage.

Klein to Meet with Harper Next Week
Josh Pringle
Tuesday, November 15, 2005 9:02 PM

Alberta Premier Ralph Klein says he was unfairly blamed for hurting the Conservatives in the last election.

Given that King Ralph the First deliberately sought out every opportunity to make the Conservative party look like twits (I know, not much help needed in that department), this is laying it on a bit thick. It's sort of like Julius Caesar claiming he was unfairly blamed for the Gallic Wars.

Klein says he won't duck questions on Alberta's health care reforms in order to protect the federal Conservatives in the next election.

In the 2004 election, the Liberals portrayed Alberta's health reforms as a threat to medicare.

And Ralph Klein portrayed the Liberals as oil- and money-hungry communists, slavering after Alberta's vast mountains of wealth. And the Alberta media bought it hook, line, and sinker.

Klein says the federal Liberals may use him as their health care "whipping boy" in the next campaign.

Translation: Ralph Klein begs the Liberals, on his knees, to make him their health care bitch.

Klein says he'll meet federal Tory Leader Stephen Harper next week.

Oooh, to be a fly on the wall for that one...

Stephen: "So, uh, Ralph, this time please don't do anything to irrevocably damage my political career, OK?"

Ralph: "Why not?"

Stephen: "Because we can offer you, uh, lemme see... Well, if we're in power, then you get Uh, I can give you Paul Jackson's phone number..."

Friday, November 18, 2005

Well, I'm happy to tell you that the folks at Proud To Be A Little Bit Canadian, Sometimes are missing no opportunity to get involved in the vividly brutal, horrific, bloody campaign that is The War Against Santa Claus (or something like that). To question their bravery on the grounds that all that is likely to happen to them in the course of this "war" is that someone might wish them "Happy Holidays," and they're not going to be, you know, shot at or anything like that, would be churlish. And against the spirit of the Holidays. Ahem. Anyway, they've published a list of businesses that are either "for" or "against" their relatively narrow definition of "Christmas." And here it is:

Pro-Christmas Stores

* The Bay
* Rona Home Centre
* London Drugs
* SaskTel
* Jenny Craig
* World Vision

Anti-Christmas Stores

* Wal-Mart
* Home Outfitters
* Sears
* Shoppers Drug Mart
* Michaels
* Home Depot
* Thrifty's
* Canadian Tire
* Royal Canadian Mint
* Canada Post
* (Canwest Global)
* Best Buy
* Future Shop
* The Source-Circuit City
* Office Depot
* PharmaSave
* Dell Computers
* Countrywide Furniture
* Wal-Mart
* Real Canadian Superstore
* Zellers

The Royal Canadian Mint?!?!?!??? "What is the world coming to?" one asks in disbelief. I mean, how the fuck are you going to boycott the Royal Canadian Mint? Ah well, I suppose it doesn't matter to most of the PTBC crowd, since their mothers buy their groceries anyway... For the record, the RCM's major crime against Christmas is to have a link on their front page to "Holiday Gift Ideas." Ah, I foresee that the near future holds near-record levels of conservative anal retention.

The rest of PTBC today is far too dismally stupid to waste time on, without the benefits of unintentional hilarity, as usual.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

A Visit to Jacksonworld

"...thank you for flying Air Wingnut. Have a pleasant day!"

"Ooooh, Look Maude, the sky really is a different colour here..."

Tue, November 15, 2005
Job well done: Employment rate soars in U.S. as a result of Bush tax cuts
By Paul Jackson

DALLAS -- One positive thing I'll say about the old roue and likable rogue, Bill Clinton, is whenever he appears on a TV talk show, he never condemns President George W. Bush on the issues of the war on terrorism or social security reform.

Ok, Paul, that's fine, but um, er...

[We were going to run, and "annotate" the whole fucking article, but have decided to spare you and replace it with a large snippage instead. Imagine tired references to Clinton sex scandals, bizarre economic theories about tax cuts for the rich saving jobs, years-old hatred of Ross Perot, vague delusions of journalism, repressed jealousy, a merciful absence of comment on the attractive physical appearance of powerful conservative men, and so on and so forth. We read it so you don't have to. You're welcome. And now back to Paul in person...]

Troubling thoughts about Iraq aside, Americans are happy and prospering under the Bush administration and unless the economy falls apart, which is unlikely, or the Democrats get rid of their lunatic radical left, again unlikely, the prospects for an eighth GOP win in 2008 look pretty solid.

Yeah, alright, but um, er... Oh, and then there's this rather interesting tidbit...

Ok, Paul, we'll explain this using pictures, because you're a simpleton. The reasons you are out to lunch on this one are a) you're out to lunch on everything, and b) the Iraq War which you so easily shrug aside has, unsurprisingly enough, actually had an effect on some Americans' opinions of the Boy King. Now, I know these Americans are not the type of people who place a great deal of emphasis on this:

as opposed to this:

So they're not the sorts of people to whom you give a great deal of thought, or for whom you have any respect at all. There are, however, a lot more of them than you think there are. Furthermore, despite your hallucinations concerning the economic benefits of flinging gobs of cash at the richest 1% of society, many of these people do not have a chance in Hell of ever possessing this:

or, all too often, this:

So, essentially Paul, what we are trying to say to you on behalf of our less fortunate American siblings is "Fuck off and die, you horrible, halfwitted, excuse for a journalistic whore."

Monday, November 14, 2005

Kickin' It Old School: Or, In Which D&D Players Are Compared to Girdles

There's a site that I used to check out fairly frequently, when in the mood for a good dose of conservative idiocy. It's one of those wonderful fundie sites that specializes in publishing hundreds if not thousands of articles all saying the same things, more or less, backed up with seemingly random Bible quotes. Way of Life was also notable for the vicious personal hatred which the writers spewed towards anyone whose theology differed, even minutely, from their own. I don't know why I stopped checking out Way of Life; perhaps I died of sensory overload one day while trying read a minute percentage of their articles. I don't recall.

Anyway, Way of Life was one of the last bastions of support for the old Christian Right campaign against Dungeons & Dragons. And, I was proud to note today, that this solemn tradition is still being carried on by the site's editors:

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS GAME DAY 2005. Friday Church News Notes, November 11, 2005 (David W. Cloud, Fundamental Baptist Information Service, P.O. Box 610368, Port Huron, MI 48061,,, 866-295-4143) - The Dungeons & Dragons Game Day 2005 was held on November 5 and drew participants in many countries. It was the 31st anniversary of the fantasy-sorcery warfare game, which was a predecessor to the even more demonic games that are popular today in electronic format. Scott Presley, a game player at The Fantasy Factory in Lakeland, Florida, said, “A lot of online gaming out there now owes a great deal of debt to the Dungeons & Dragons gaming system” (The Lakeland Ledger, Nov. 5, p. D1). The game is about casting spells, ghouls, goblins, pentagrams, and other things associated what the Bible describes as the demonic realm. Though promoted as innocent fun, it is anything but that. Graham Braddock of New Zealand warned: “Even in its most basic forms players are introduced to magic, the casting of spells, the use of magic circles, pentagrams and thaumaturgic triangles as protective psychic devices. Players battle or seek the aid of demons and pagan deities. Players are encouraged to align themselves with a deity or deities and even to worship them” (Maranatha Message #80, 1984). “And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually” (Gen. 6:5). “This evil people, which refuse to hear my words, which walk in the imagination of their heart, and walk after other gods, to serve them, and to worship them, shall even be as this girdle, which is good for nothing” (Jer. 23:10).

Hmmm, not only compared to a girdle, but to an apparently broken one as well!! Well, that ought to about do it for Wizards of the Coast, the company that publishes D&D! Anyway, it's good to see the old ways being carried on. Let's all life a pint of virgin's blood to Way of Life, in the hopes that that years and decades to come shall see a continuing parade of badly-writted, mis-informed, bile-spattered rants against anything that the writers fail to completely understand!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

As has already been widely covered on many better blogs than this one, Bill O'Reilly committed treason the other day. I mean, if it ain't treason to actually invite a known terrorist group to attack your country, then why even bother to have a treason law in the first place? Oh right, to threaten people you disagree with... Anyway, to those in San Francisco, be warned. Thou Hast Displeased Bill O'Reilly!!!! Ponder the sad fate of France, and Canada, and falafel, and other things that have bothered his bill-ness. Expect spittle.


It's always nice to see a good writer swing for the fences and connect, and today we present a mammoth, upper-deck dinger by everyone's favourite Texas liberal, Molly Ivins:

Some kind of manly
Bush administration, dead to morality, says torture is the American way

AUSTIN, Texas -- I can't get over this feeling of unreality, that I am actually sitting here writing about our country having a gulag of secret prisons in which it tortures people. I have loved America all my life, even though I have often disagreed with the government. But this seems to me so preposterous, so monstrous. My mind is a little bent and my heart is a little broken this morning.

"...dead to morality..." Nicely put. Suck it, Pat Robertson et al. Some further highlights:

"Sometimes you gotta play rough," said Dick Cheney. No shit, Dick? Now why don't you tell that to John McCain?

You know you're fucked when Molly Ivins is swearing at you...

I grew up with all this pathetic Texas tough: Everybody here knows you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs; and this ain't beanbag; and I'll knock your jaw so far back, you'll scratch your throat with your front teeth; and I'm gonna cloud up and rain all over you; and I'm gonna open me a can of whup-ass ...

And that'll show 'em, won't it? Take some miserable human being alone and helpless in a cell, completely under your control, and torture him. Boy, that is some kind of manly, ain't it?

And with that, Miss Ivins cheerfully (or perhaps not so cheerfully) seizes cowboy machismo by the nuts, squeezes, and leaves it curled up in fetal position on the floor, whimpering. Who do I have to make a deal with to be able to write that passionately and at the same time that well? And how much would we have to pay Molly Ivins to get her to move to Alberta and unleash a little of that on some of our cowboy assholes up here? Molly Ivins embodies everything that is good about the United States of America.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Ortona, 23-Dec-1943
Passchendaele, 14-Nov-1917

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Vimy Ridge, Apr-1917

Korea, 1951

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Three Posts In One Day??? Three Posts???? Somebody stop us...

Anyway, there are signs that the sordid saga of the Edmonton Police Service's inability to pull its head out of its ass (and, it must be said, the Police Commission's inability to even find its ass with both hands, a map, and a flashlight) may be coming to an end:

New Edmonton chief could be hired today
Last updated Nov 10 2005 09:10 AM MST
CBC News

Edmonton's new police chief is expected to be approved by city council today, ending a nine-month search for the top cop and marking the first time in more than 30 years an outsider will helm the service.

Councillors have confirmed that the police commission is in talks with Mike Boyd, a 52-year-old retired Toronto police officer who spent nine years as that city's deputy chief.

Ok, he's from outside the force. That's good. He seems to know (how could he not?) what he's getting himself into. That's also good. Typing "Mike Boyd police brutality" into Google brought up a page seemingly devoted to Tupac Shakur, and nothing at all to do with this particular Mike Boyd. That joins the ranks of things that are good. So, the Oi! Thump! Cultural Observation Squad will remain cautiously optimistic. Why "cautiously?" Well, there is this...

King worked with Boyd on the national task force on drug abuse. He said Boyd was a remarkably accomplished and popular senior officer in Toronto. "Edmonton would do well to get someone of his calibre," he said.

"You could call 100 people in the Toronto Police Service and you wouldn't hear a bad word about him."

Chief Bob was popular with his cops as well, and we all know how that turned out. However, for now we charitably extend the benefit of the doubt. It will be interesting to see what happens.

And today we're going to take you to... An Alternate Universe!!!!! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!!! Ahem. Anyway, Bazz and the crew exist in this alternate universe, but we have goatees there. It's how you can tell the difference. Seriously though, check it out.
Mildly Good News, Everybody!

This bit actually came as a complete surprise to me; I was under the impression that drilling in the ANWR had, in fact, already begun.

U.S. House drops Alaska oil drilling plan
Last Updated Thu, 10 Nov 2005 13:15:58 EST
CBC News

Environmentalists have won a temporary victory after Republican moderates forced leaders in the U.S. House of Representatives to abandon a controversial plan to open up an Alaskan wildlife refuge to oil drilling.

Note absence of oil derricks.

Now, this isn't over yet - there's still a chance that Bush and friends will get to indulge their mad obsession with raping this particular bit of the environment - but it's a good sign all in all.