Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Best of the Summer Whine

And so, after Monday's election, the air in Alberta is once again filled with the sound of conservatives pissing and moaning. Oddly but observantly enough, much of this is directed at our very own Ralph Klein, who is being blamed for much the voting public's reluctance to go blue. Anyway, although we here at Oi! Thump! are not big Liberal supporters, we're even less sympathetic to the conservatives, and do enjoy listening to the gnashing of their teeth, the crying of their children, and the lamentation of their women. It was my idea to do an overview of some of the worst whining, but the volume of material available defeated me, and so I am merely picking the best of the lot, a letter that appeared in today's Calgary Sun. Here it is, with snide annotations:

Once again the East, led by Ontario, has shown it is intolerant of democracy and freedom of discussion.

Ah yes, once again, the "intolerant of democracy" have graphically demonstrated their intolerance by exercising their right to vote. Bastards! And buddy, the Conservatives lost the election because some of their candidates were a little too free in their discussion of certain social issues.

They favour (it would appear) corruption and control. The West merely exists to be plundered by eastern commissars for their benefit.

Why then, do scads of easterners come out here to work, instead of staying back there and growing fat off the fruits of our labours? Because your entire premise is bullshit, that's why. And if you're interested in commissars, check out the provincial tories.

The Liberals and NDP will unleash upon this country a tax and spend policy the likes of which has never been seen or experienced.

Goodness me, I hope so...

The West will be devastated. Easterners will smirk and revel in their mastery. The West faces some challenging questions and options.

The above is the best part of this letter. "Easterners will smirk and revel in their mastery"??!! That's awesome prose, dude (he said, smirking and reveling).

For instance, do we wish our children to be raised to adulthood by state nurseries?

Uh, where did that come from?

The West is emerging both as a political and an economic power. Given the opportunity, we could equal or better some of the world's leading democracies.

Hey wait! I thought you said we existed only to be plundered by commissars! That doesn't sound like a political or economic power. Oh wait, I forgot, you're stupid, whiny, and hypocritical. Carry on, sir.

A better future is possible. This 2004 election has proven it is time to go.

Rick Plesnik

Whaaaah!!! Whaaah!! Those horrible Ontarians won't vote like I tell them to!! Whaaah!! Whaaah! I'm taking my ball and going home!! Well Rick, you can indeed go if you wish; I daresay you won't be missed, and it will make a better future for all of us much more possible. Of course, your words would be that much more profound, and your threat of separation more dire, if we didn't hear them every single fucking time things didn't go exactly the way the Alberta-firsters wanted. Bunch of crybabies, the lot of them...

Thursday, June 24, 2004

The last in our 3-part guide to the Canadian Federal election...


Never able to transfer their provincial election successes to the national stage, the NDP long for the salad days when they were assured a third-place finish in the country. If, however, the 173rd time's the charm...
Canada is to the U.S. as a nice person is to a not very nice person.
If you're a woman you've quite possibly been nicely courted to lead the NDP
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, and minimum wage will be a nice $43.57/hour!!
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Yes, it'll be nice.
Gay Marriage? Yes, it'll be nice.
Historical Parallel: Millions of serial bridesmaids.


You don't have to look that closely at a group of PCP members to actually see the knives sticking out of their backs. My pity for this lost progressive wing of the old PC party is not even dimmed by their hideous frames-based website. However, if they do turn out to be a dark horse...
Canada is to the U.S. as it was in 1867.
If you're a woman you're a hell of a lot more welcome in this party than you would be in the conservatives.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes. Stab wounds are very painful.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Yes. You can smoke it to overcome the pain of betrayal.
Gay Marriage? Since pretty much every gay person with any kind of conservative world view is a member of this party, I'm going to say yes.
Historical Parallel: Julius Caesar, after "Et tu, Brute?"


I've stuck these guys in here at the end because they are actually not running in the coming election, being deregistered and all. However, few can forget their brief foray into the jello-pit of Canadian politics, when yogic flying seemed to be our best hope for the future. In a fantasy world where these folks took up the reins of government...
Canada is to the U.S. as a grand, peaceful union of all the world's peoples is to a grand, peaceful union of all the world's peoples.
If you're a woman you're at one with the universe.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Health care? Wages? Who needs 'em?
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Yes, of course.
Gay Marriage? Everyone is married to everyone else.
Historical Parallel: None.

So, now that you're so much more politically savvy, get out there and get to it! Vote early, vote often!!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

On with our searing coverage of the upcoming Canadian federal election...


Known for helping George W. Bush get elected in the States (thanks guys!) and for being a viable, mainstream party in pretty much every other democracy that isn't Canada, the Green party is actually looking like they might get a foot in the door here this time. They're environmentalists, in case you were confused. Under the Green Party's benevolent rule...
Canada is to the U.S. as an Ani Difranco fan is to that guy snarfing his second Meatlovers' Breakfast of the day at Denny's.
If you're a woman you're an avatar of the Earth Goddess, and must be treated as such.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, using non-animal-tested medicines and procedures.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? The Green Party is ever-so-slightly to the right of the Marijuana party on this issue. I mean, we're talking microns here folks.
Gay Marriage? Oh yeah.
Historical Parallel: The Luddites.


Here we go. They're big, they're bad, they've been in power far too long for the Conservatives' liking. Paul Martin is currently finding out that having been a successful businessman does not actually cause your feet to grow to the size necessary to fill Jean Chretien's boots. Martin would be having troubling visions of the ghost of John Turner, except that Turner's not dead. Right now...
Canada is to the U.S. as Canada is to the U.S., only with less swearing than there was under Chretien.
If you're a woman please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeze vote for us. I mean, we're begging here...
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, and Ralph Klein can go fuck himself.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Eventually, once the Supreme Court kicks our asses a bit.
Gay Marriage? See immediately above.
Historical Parallel: Pierre Eliot Trudeau, without any of PET's flair or guts.


This party's unofficial motto is "I'm All Right, Jack." Their guiding principle seems to be that nobody should be forced to behave in any kind of vaguely decent and humane manner whatsoever, and that government's job is to sit on its ass and watch the ensuing brutality without doing anything about it. Which is horseshit. They also have the most brutally ugly web page of any of the parties running. If these guys are "running the country"...
Canada is to the U.S. as menh...
If you're a woman Who cares?
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Only if you can afford it, which you can't.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? And how!
Gay Marriage? And how!
Historical Parallel: Some really lazy person.


Guess what these guys want to legalize!! That's right, whaling!! Seriously, it's fairly obvious what this one-issue party's one issue is. So, if Canada goes all mellow after June 28th...
Canada is to the U.S. as a hippy is to a Mississippi State Trooper.
If you're a woman you've got nothing to worry about, glaucoma-wise.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Oh yeah, although you may notice a certain sameness about your prescriptions.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Look at the party name and figure it out for yourself.
Gay Marriage? Yes.
Historical Parallel: The Bona Dea cult.


Playing the People's Front of Judea to the Communist Party's Judean People's Front, these folks neatly split the ultra-left vote, and provoke nasty coffee-house brawls over the writings of Hardial Bains. If they get elected, and once they've shipped the Communist Party off to Nunavut...
Canada is to the U.S. as same as the answer for the Communist party, only more Hardial Bains-y
If you're a woman see above
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? see above
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? see above
Gay Marriage? see above
Historical Parallel: The Communist Party of Canada

Join us again tomorrow, when we wrap this puppy up!
Utterly Gratuitous Plug!!

If you read just one columnist on politics to the South of us, let it be Molly Ivins. She's got a great writing style, and applies the rhetorical boot to the backsides that need it most.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004


And that means it's time for Oi! Thump!'s first ever election guide!!! We're running down (in every sense of the phrase) the various political parties engaged in the titanic struggle for control of Parliament. Without further ado, but with much snark, here's a capsule look at the first five parties' answers to a few fun policy questions. Oh, and we're doing this in alphabetical order, so if you don't see your favourite/least favourite party here yet, unwad thy panties and settle down.


No maudits .ca suffix at the end of their website address, non monsieur!! Formed a few years back to push the Quebec nationalist agenda, their brief turn as Official Opposition caused much sucking in of breath on the parts of people who didn't realize that the BQ had actually been democratically elected to that position. Under a BQ government...
Canada is to the U.S. as that really unpopular guy who plays D&D is to the prom queen, who's actually a real bitch.
If you're a woman you're probably very beautiful.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Mais Oui!
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Who cares?
Gay Marriage? Maybe.
Historical Parallel: William Wallace, as over-portrayed by Mel Gibson.


Seem to be a sort of happy-clappy, Yeah Canada! anti-globalization type of outfit. Not that there's anything really wrong with that. If the CAP wins...
Canada is to the U.S. as Hickory High is to that team they beat at the end of Hoosiers.
If you're a woman you're empowered. Right frickin' now.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? In theory.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Yes (it's good for glaucoma, fibromyalgia, and bugging the shit out of the States).
Gay Marriage? Yes (see above, but without the references to glaucoma and fibromyalgia).
Historical Parallel?: William Wallace, somewhat but not a lot closer to actual historical reality than the BQ.


For those of you who think the Conservative Party is a bunch of namby-pamby left-wing heathen stooges, we give you the Christian Heritage Party. If, God forbid, they or their ilk should happen to gain power...
Canada is to the U.S. as a "godly" woman is to her "godly" husband.
If you're a woman you shouldn't be reading this post, harlot! Get your pregnant ass back to the kitchen! And take those damn shoes off!
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? No. All healthcare funds will be diverted to dealing with camels stuck in the eyes of needles.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? You are going to Hell just for reading this question.
Gay Marriage? Blah blah family values blah blah blah Sodom and Gomorrah blah blah filthy sodomites blah blah blah blah Leviticus blah blah blah blah tradition family blah blah blah. No, in other words.
Historical Parallel?: Ivan the Terrible


Historical relics are great. Nibbling away at the fringes of the labour movement the Communist party actually has had electoral success in Canada, but generally not at the federal level, and not for a long long time. If the hammer and sickle flag waves over Parliament...
Canada is to the U.S. as a slug is to a salt shaker.
If you're a woman you are equal, comrade!
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, and transplant organs will be harvested from the rich!
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Maybe.
Gay Marriage? Marriage? Like in a masses-opiating church? Hmmm...
Historical Parallel?: Pick an obvious one.


We close off Day One of our election guide with the first of the "big" parties that we've come across. Unholy spawn of the old Reform/Alliance thingy and the non-progressive bit of the Progressive Conservatives, the new-fangled Conservative Party would be a lock for a massive majority government if they could just keep their candidates from ever saying anything about any topic. Ever. If they were to succeed in that...
Canada is to the U.S. as An 18-year-old first-time prison inmate with nice round buttocks is to a hairy 45-year-old lifer named "Spike."
If you're a woman you have all the rights of a man, so long as you're not dumb enough to actually try any of them (with apologies to The Clash).
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Certainly, as long as you don't get sick or injured.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? No damn way, never, not in a million... wait, the Fraser Institute said WHAT?!?!?!??! Um, we'll get back to you.
Gay Marriage? See the Christian Heritage Party entry for this question.
Historical Parallel?: Tony Blair, oddly enough.

See y'all tomorrow!
Could It Be?

I got muy excited this morning when I saw this headline...

Bush faces several charges following arrest

And then I remembered I was reading ESPN. Dammit! Anyway, another budding young professional athlete makes an ass of himself.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Che Guevara would have been 76 years old today...

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

You know, I was just this morning thinking that I needed to find a consistently-updated webpage that laid the beats down on Family Circus. And, lo and behold:

World O'Crap

And speaking of Hell in suburbia, our yard has been cited by the city for being disorderly, so there's much outdoor work to be done in the next couple of weeks. The worst thing about it, of course, is that it means some kind neighbour of ours ratted us out without actually have the common decency to come speak to us about it first. Anyway, it shouldn't be too bad, since the yard isn't really in that terrible a condition anyway.