IT'S ELECTION TIME
And that means it's time for Oi! Thump!'s first ever election guide!!! We're running down (in every sense of the phrase) the various political parties engaged in the titanic struggle for control of Parliament. Without further ado, but with much snark, here's a capsule look at the first five parties' answers to a few fun policy questions. Oh, and we're doing this in alphabetical order, so if you don't see your favourite/least favourite party here yet, unwad thy panties and settle down.
No maudits .ca suffix at the end of their website address, non monsieur!! Formed a few years back to push the Quebec nationalist agenda, their brief turn as Official Opposition caused much sucking in of breath on the parts of people who didn't realize that the BQ had actually been democratically elected to that position. Under a BQ government...
Canada is to the U.S. as that really unpopular guy who plays D&D is to the prom queen, who's actually a real bitch.
If you're a woman you're probably very beautiful.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Mais Oui!
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Who cares?
Gay Marriage? Maybe.
Historical Parallel: William Wallace, as over-portrayed by Mel Gibson.
CANADIAN ACTION PARTY
Seem to be a sort of happy-clappy, Yeah Canada! anti-globalization type of outfit. Not that there's anything really wrong with that. If the CAP wins...
Canada is to the U.S. as Hickory High is to that team they beat at the end of Hoosiers.
If you're a woman you're empowered. Right frickin' now.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? In theory.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Yes (it's good for glaucoma, fibromyalgia, and bugging the shit out of the States).
Gay Marriage? Yes (see above, but without the references to glaucoma and fibromyalgia).
Historical Parallel?: William Wallace, somewhat but not a lot closer to actual historical reality than the BQ.
CHRISTIAN HERITAGE PARTY
For those of you who think the Conservative Party is a bunch of namby-pamby left-wing heathen stooges, we give you the Christian Heritage Party. If, God forbid, they or their ilk should happen to gain power...
Canada is to the U.S. as a "godly" woman is to her "godly" husband.
If you're a woman you shouldn't be reading this post, harlot! Get your pregnant ass back to the kitchen! And take those damn shoes off!
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? No. All healthcare funds will be diverted to dealing with camels stuck in the eyes of needles.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? You are going to Hell just for reading this question.
Gay Marriage? Blah blah family values blah blah blah Sodom and Gomorrah blah blah filthy sodomites blah blah blah blah Leviticus blah blah blah blah tradition family blah blah blah. No, in other words.
Historical Parallel?: Ivan the Terrible
COMMUNIST PARTY OF CANADA
Historical relics are great. Nibbling away at the fringes of the labour movement the Communist party actually has had electoral success in Canada, but generally not at the federal level, and not for a long long time. If the hammer and sickle flag waves over Parliament...
Canada is to the U.S. as a slug is to a salt shaker.
If you're a woman you are equal, comrade!
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, and transplant organs will be harvested from the rich!
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Maybe.
Gay Marriage? Marriage? Like in a masses-opiating church? Hmmm...
Historical Parallel?: Pick an obvious one.
CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF CANADA
We close off Day One of our election guide with the first of the "big" parties that we've come across. Unholy spawn of the old Reform/Alliance thingy and the non-progressive bit of the Progressive Conservatives, the new-fangled Conservative Party would be a lock for a massive majority government if they could just keep their candidates from ever saying anything about any topic. Ever. If they were to succeed in that...
Canada is to the U.S. as An 18-year-old first-time prison inmate with nice round buttocks is to a hairy 45-year-old lifer named "Spike."
If you're a woman you have all the rights of a man, so long as you're not dumb enough to actually try any of them (with apologies to The Clash).
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Certainly, as long as you don't get sick or injured.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? No damn way, never, not in a million... wait, the Fraser Institute said WHAT?!?!?!??! Um, we'll get back to you.
Gay Marriage? See the Christian Heritage Party entry for this question.
Historical Parallel?: Tony Blair, oddly enough.
See y'all tomorrow!