Blatant Hypocrisy At Oi! Thump!

In our Election Guide, we wrote concerning the Green Party:

One of these days, these guys are going to put some people in Parliament, but it probably won't happen in the strategic voting nightmare that is going to be this election.

But then, in our post-election drivelling, we wrote, again concerning the Greens:

I did actually think they were going to find themselves an MP this time, but even their leader didn't come close.

Explanations are in order! Boards of Inquiry are being convened, subpoenas are being issued, witnesses are being whisked to undisclosed locations, etc. We will get to the bottom of this scandal! Or maybe we could just admit that we fucked up mildly and move on.

More Election Thoughts

Surprises: Bad

• Another failed breakthrough by the Greens. I did actually think they were going to find themselves an MP this time, but even their leader didn't come close.
  
  
• On a similar note, the poor performance of the FPNP. Our fledgling native party barely scraped up 1000 votes. I know they weren't running many people, but a few more votes would have been nice.
  
  
• The fact that Ann McClelland didn't get elected. I honestly thought Cardiac Annie, whom I have immense respect for, was going to pull off another one.
  
  

Oi! Thump! Suddenly Realizes That The Election Is, Like, 3 Days Away, And Decides To Get Its Ass In Gear On This Election Guide Boondoggle

Here's the Green Party.

Ah, the Green party. Starting to get the support due a major party, but none of the respect. One of these days, these guys are going to put some people in Parliament, but it probably won't happen in the strategic voting nightmare that is going to be this election. Oh, and keeping them out of the leaders' debates is fucking undemocratic, so stop it. One piece of criticism: Let's just say that there's an early 1980s issue of Owl Magazine on Line 1, and it wants its election signs back.

If this party were an animal, it would be: A nightingale. Nice voice, awfully hard to see.



Position on environmental concerns? Um, hello? The Green party?!??

Attitude towards our friends to the South? Foreign policy ain't really their thang, but they are protectionist to a degree.

Percent likelihood that they'll try to repeal gay marriage? Zilch.

Is Oi! Thump! voting for them? Probably.

On with our searing coverage of the upcoming Canadian federal election...

GREEN PARTY OF CANADA

Known for helping George W. Bush get elected in the States (thanks guys!) and for being a viable, mainstream party in pretty much every other democracy that isn't Canada, the Green party is actually looking like they might get a foot in the door here this time. They're environmentalists, in case you were confused. Under the Green Party's benevolent rule...
Canada is to the U.S. as an Ani Difranco fan is to that guy snarfing his second Meatlovers' Breakfast of the day at Denny's.
If you're a woman you're an avatar of the Earth Goddess, and must be treated as such.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, using non-animal-tested medicines and procedures.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? The Green Party is ever-so-slightly to the right of the Marijuana party on this issue. I mean, we're talking microns here folks.
Gay Marriage? Oh yeah.
Historical Parallel: The Luddites.

LIBERAL PARTY OF CANADA

Here we go. They're big, they're bad, they've been in power far too long for the Conservatives' liking. Paul Martin is currently finding out that having been a successful businessman does not actually cause your feet to grow to the size necessary to fill Jean Chretien's boots. Martin would be having troubling visions of the ghost of John Turner, except that Turner's not dead. Right now...
Canada is to the U.S. as Canada is to the U.S., only with less swearing than there was under Chretien.
If you're a woman please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeze vote for us. I mean, we're begging here...
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, and Ralph Klein can go fuck himself.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Eventually, once the Supreme Court kicks our asses a bit.
Gay Marriage? See immediately above.
Historical Parallel: Pierre Eliot Trudeau, without any of PET's flair or guts.

LIBERTARIAN PARTY OF CANADA

This party's unofficial motto is "I'm All Right, Jack." Their guiding principle seems to be that nobody should be forced to behave in any kind of vaguely decent and humane manner whatsoever, and that government's job is to sit on its ass and watch the ensuing brutality without doing anything about it. Which is horseshit. They also have the most brutally ugly web page of any of the parties running. If these guys are "running the country"...
Canada is to the U.S. as menh...
If you're a woman Who cares?
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Only if you can afford it, which you can't.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? And how!
Gay Marriage? And how!
Historical Parallel: Some really lazy person.

MARIJUANA PARTY

Guess what these guys want to legalize!! That's right, whaling!! Seriously, it's fairly obvious what this one-issue party's one issue is. So, if Canada goes all mellow after June 28th...
Canada is to the U.S. as a hippy is to a Mississippi State Trooper.
If you're a woman you've got nothing to worry about, glaucoma-wise.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Oh yeah, although you may notice a certain sameness about your prescriptions.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Look at the party name and figure it out for yourself.
Gay Marriage? Yes.
Historical Parallel: The Bona Dea cult.

MARXIST-LENINIST PARTY OF CANADA

Playing the People's Front of Judea to the Communist Party's Judean People's Front, these folks neatly split the ultra-left vote, and provoke nasty coffee-house brawls over the writings of Hardial Bains. If they get elected, and once they've shipped the Communist Party off to Nunavut...
Canada is to the U.S. as same as the answer for the Communist party, only more Hardial Bains-y
If you're a woman see above
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? see above
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? see above
Gay Marriage? see above
Historical Parallel: The Communist Party of Canada

Join us again tomorrow, when we wrap this puppy up!