On with our searing coverage of the upcoming Canadian federal election...
GREEN PARTY OF CANADA
Known for helping George W. Bush get elected in the States (thanks guys!) and for being a viable, mainstream party in pretty much every other democracy that isn't Canada, the Green party is actually looking like they might get a foot in the door here this time. They're environmentalists, in case you were confused. Under the Green Party's benevolent rule...
Canada is to the U.S. as an Ani Difranco fan is to that guy snarfing his second Meatlovers' Breakfast of the day at Denny's.
If you're a woman you're an avatar of the Earth Goddess, and must be treated as such.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, using non-animal-tested medicines and procedures.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? The Green Party is ever-so-slightly to the right of the Marijuana party on this issue. I mean, we're talking microns here folks.
Gay Marriage? Oh yeah.
Historical Parallel: The Luddites.
LIBERAL PARTY OF CANADA
Here we go. They're big, they're bad, they've been in power far too long for the Conservatives' liking. Paul Martin is currently finding out that having been a successful businessman does not actually cause your feet to grow to the size necessary to fill Jean Chretien's boots. Martin would be having troubling visions of the ghost of John Turner, except that Turner's not dead. Right now...
Canada is to the U.S. as Canada is to the U.S., only with less swearing than there was under Chretien.
If you're a woman please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeze vote for us. I mean, we're begging here...
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Yes, and Ralph Klein can go fuck himself.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Eventually, once the Supreme Court kicks our asses a bit.
Gay Marriage? See immediately above.
Historical Parallel: Pierre Eliot Trudeau, without any of PET's flair or guts.
LIBERTARIAN PARTY OF CANADA
This party's unofficial motto is "I'm All Right, Jack." Their guiding principle seems to be that nobody should be forced to behave in any kind of vaguely decent and humane manner whatsoever, and that government's job is to sit on its ass and watch the ensuing brutality without doing anything about it. Which is horseshit. They also have the most brutally ugly web page of any of the parties running. If these guys are "running the country"...
Canada is to the U.S. as menh...
If you're a woman Who cares?
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Only if you can afford it, which you can't.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? And how!
Gay Marriage? And how!
Historical Parallel: Some really lazy person.
Guess what these guys want to legalize!! That's right, whaling!! Seriously, it's fairly obvious what this one-issue party's one issue is. So, if Canada goes all mellow after June 28th...
Canada is to the U.S. as a hippy is to a Mississippi State Trooper.
If you're a woman you've got nothing to worry about, glaucoma-wise.
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? Oh yeah, although you may notice a certain sameness about your prescriptions.
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? Look at the party name and figure it out for yourself.
Gay Marriage? Yes.
Historical Parallel: The Bona Dea cult.
MARXIST-LENINIST PARTY OF CANADA
Playing the People's Front of Judea to the Communist Party's Judean People's Front, these folks neatly split the ultra-left vote, and provoke nasty coffee-house brawls over the writings of Hardial Bains. If they get elected, and once they've shipped the Communist Party off to Nunavut...
Canada is to the U.S. as same as the answer for the Communist party, only more Hardial Bains-y
If you're a woman see above
Will you, as a minimum wage earner, get health care? see above
Got Decriminalized Marijuana? see above
Gay Marriage? see above
Historical Parallel: The Communist Party of Canada
Join us again tomorrow, when we wrap this puppy up!