Going...Going...GONE!!!!!!!

It's always nice to see a good writer swing for the fences and connect, and today we present a mammoth, upper-deck dinger by everyone's favourite Texas liberal, Molly Ivins:

Some kind of manly
Bush administration, dead to morality, says torture is the American way

AUSTIN, Texas -- I can't get over this feeling of unreality, that I am actually sitting here writing about our country having a gulag of secret prisons in which it tortures people. I have loved America all my life, even though I have often disagreed with the government. But this seems to me so preposterous, so monstrous. My mind is a little bent and my heart is a little broken this morning.

"...dead to morality..." Nicely put. Suck it, Pat Robertson et al. Some further highlights:

"Sometimes you gotta play rough," said Dick Cheney. No shit, Dick? Now why don't you tell that to John McCain?

You know you're fucked when Molly Ivins is swearing at you...

I grew up with all this pathetic Texas tough: Everybody here knows you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs; and this ain't beanbag; and I'll knock your jaw so far back, you'll scratch your throat with your front teeth; and I'm gonna cloud up and rain all over you; and I'm gonna open me a can of whup-ass ...

And that'll show 'em, won't it? Take some miserable human being alone and helpless in a cell, completely under your control, and torture him. Boy, that is some kind of manly, ain't it?

And with that, Miss Ivins cheerfully (or perhaps not so cheerfully) seizes cowboy machismo by the nuts, squeezes, and leaves it curled up in fetal position on the floor, whimpering. Who do I have to make a deal with to be able to write that passionately and at the same time that well? And how much would we have to pay Molly Ivins to get her to move to Alberta and unleash a little of that on some of our cowboy assholes up here? Molly Ivins embodies everything that is good about the United States of America.

Ortona, 23-Dec-1943
Passchendaele, 14-Nov-1917


In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.


Vimy Ridge, Apr-1917
Korea, 1951

Three Posts In One Day??? Three Posts???? Somebody stop us...

Anyway, there are signs that the sordid saga of the Edmonton Police Service's inability to pull its head out of its ass (and, it must be said, the Police Commission's inability to even find its ass with both hands, a map, and a flashlight) may be coming to an end:

New Edmonton chief could be hired today
Last updated Nov 10 2005 09:10 AM MST
CBC News

Edmonton's new police chief is expected to be approved by city council today, ending a nine-month search for the top cop and marking the first time in more than 30 years an outsider will helm the service.

Councillors have confirmed that the police commission is in talks with Mike Boyd, a 52-year-old retired Toronto police officer who spent nine years as that city's deputy chief.

Ok, he's from outside the force. That's good. He seems to know (how could he not?) what he's getting himself into. That's also good. Typing "Mike Boyd police brutality" into Google brought up a page seemingly devoted to Tupac Shakur, and nothing at all to do with this particular Mike Boyd. That joins the ranks of things that are good. So, the Oi! Thump! Cultural Observation Squad will remain cautiously optimistic. Why "cautiously?" Well, there is this...

King worked with Boyd on the national task force on drug abuse. He said Boyd was a remarkably accomplished and popular senior officer in Toronto. "Edmonton would do well to get someone of his calibre," he said.

"You could call 100 people in the Toronto Police Service and you wouldn't hear a bad word about him."

Chief Bob was popular with his cops as well, and we all know how that turned out. However, for now we charitably extend the benefit of the doubt. It will be interesting to see what happens.

And today we're going to take you to... An Alternate Universe!!!!! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!!! Ahem. Anyway, Bazz and the crew exist in this alternate universe, but we have goatees there. It's how you can tell the difference. Seriously though, check it out.

Mildly Good News, Everybody!

This bit actually came as a complete surprise to me; I was under the impression that drilling in the ANWR had, in fact, already begun.

U.S. House drops Alaska oil drilling plan
Last Updated Thu, 10 Nov 2005 13:15:58 EST
CBC News

Environmentalists have won a temporary victory after Republican moderates forced leaders in the U.S. House of Representatives to abandon a controversial plan to open up an Alaskan wildlife refuge to oil drilling.


Note absence of oil derricks.


Now, this isn't over yet - there's still a chance that Bush and friends will get to indulge their mad obsession with raping this particular bit of the environment - but it's a good sign all in all.

New member joins ranks of great fantasy authors...

And when we say "member," you know what we mean! Following up on something we spotted at World O'Crap, we present The Shorter David Horowitz: "The French, Saddam, the Cia, the american left, Kerry & Edwards, the Wilson family, old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all got together and came up with a fiendish plot to discredit the Boy King...for some reason or other. And Scooter Libby is a hero, I tell you! And the duty of every American is to fight covert wars in the media." I'm not shitting you, he actually says all of that, including the bit about fighting covert wars in the media. Folks, that's not a conspiracy theory, it's a mass-market paperback thriller by a bad Robert Ludlum imitator (tautology, we know), and it probably has the name of a Greek letter in the title... (with apologies to Terry Pratchett).

Just added Cyberia Remix to the, uh, mix around here. It's fun when people link to us... Oh, and here's a brand-new blog from Italy.

This takes me back...

I remember back in the halcyon days of the late 1990s (and the early months of the whatever-you-call-the-first-decade-of-a-centuries), when slapping back against the outrages of globalization was, well, all the rage. We had all read Naomi Klein et al., and kept ourselves busy and amused by fucking with bathroom ads and pulling off run-through pamphletings of Starbucks. In Seattle, Quebec City, and Genoa people took to the streets defiantly, and actual literal battles were fought over the spread of mega-corporations, branding, and the like. It was good times, and actually, even looking back on it, it was useful, and it was right.

However, along came September 11th, and all of a sudden all this went away. At first, we were all too depressed and worried, and then, when life began to return to normal (which was, in fact, after a relatively brief period of time) we found out that the right wing, in its slobbering terror, had skewed the debate so much that dissent was suddenly the equivalent of treason. Anyway, to cut a long story short, there is evidence that the worm has begun to turn. And, as an example of such evidence, I present this website. Check it out, enjoy the pictures, and reflect on the fact that it actually feels good to talk about "culture jamming" again.

And a hello to the Truth Surfer! (Blogger seems to be acting up, but we'll do what we can).

Paul Jackson's quest for romance is apparently going well...

Conservative leader Stephen Harper didn’t seem at all the harried leader of a dysfunctional political party (as the Lib-Left media in Eastern Canada tries to paint him) when we had coffee together this past week.

Not only did he look calm and cool—he looked like a winner.

Paul, you dirty devil - a coffee date and everything! That snipping sound you hear is Tony Blair cutting you out of the photographs of the two of you in the park. And over there we have Paul Cellucci sobbing into his pillow while writing nasty things about Stephen Harper in his My Little Pony diary.

Welcome aboard Just Another Cranky Little Blog! Told ya we'd be writing again soon...

Unfortunately, due to the presence of enemy fighters in the region, the brave souls of Oi! Thump! have had to maintain radio silence this week. Studying for midterms, preparing a lecture on St. Augustine, and marking term papers had nothing whatsoever to do with it. It has of course meant that we've missed out a bit on our coverage of the province-wide labour uprising in B.C., but we have been keeping an eye on things, and will be writing more very soon. We promise.

Doing some blog-cleaning today: getting rid of links that seemed to have gone down, including one for a baseball team that sadly no longer exists. Ranting and Raving later, maybe.

Steeeeeeeeeeerike!

So, the B.C. Teacher's Union is on strike. Illegally. Personally, I couldn't be prouder of them, nor of the other trade unions in B.C. who have threatened a general strike in support. However, the fact is that the B.C. teachers are acting illegally, and have been duly punished for it. However, the facts that a) the teachers have dared to strike at all (da noiv!) and b) that they have not all been summarily executed for this heinous crime, have caused much pants-wetting chez the usual suspects:

I predicted “peanuts” would be the ruling, earlier. I was wrong. The judge issued roses and bon-bons instead. I overestimated the ability of the liberals, once again, to simply dispense justice without bias and to maintain law and order in our country.

That’s right. Nothing. No fine. No jail time.

Do you get the impression from this that the PTBC types had actually organized a "Watch The Teachers Get Slammed In Court" Party (despite ludicrous claims of prescience), only to have the judge pull the rug out from under their feet, leaving sitting glumly around a bowl of stale nachos and half a case of Diet No-Name Brand Cola? I sure do.

Instead, the liberal judge who was appointed to the bench by liberals, wagged a finger (scratch that—I was guessing but I reconsidered. I’m thinking it was more of a wink and a hug) at the unionists and told the radical left-wing teachers’ union ("party") that they should stop paying their members their strike pay for 30 days. Strike pay was $50 per day, which was coming out of their huge, multi-million-dollar strike fund.

What's interesting here is that our hero keeps following the words "teachers' union" with the word "party" in brackets (check his site for further examples). He thereby cunningly makes the astute political observation that, um, the, uh, teachers' union, um, errr, ah... Anyhoo, the $50/day strike pay that the teachers are losing works out to about $1500/month ($1100 or so if they're not counting weekends), and, on a teacher's salary, that's a big hit. And therein lies the problem. If provinces actually started paying their teachers a living fucking wage, and started treating with the contempt they deserve the jackasses who whine on about how teachers "are overpaid," and "only work ten months a year," and all that other shit, maybe the teachers wouldn't actually need to go on illegal strikes in order to get their point across. And then these idiot anti-union conservatives wouldn't have to spend as much time actually looking after their own drooling, knuckle-dragging offspring, and hey, EVERYBODY would be a fucking winner. But no, instead we get thinly disguised bloodlust directed against anyone who tries to stand up for themselves. It is to weep.

That’ll learn ’em! (The teachers, and the kids, as well as all the people.)
Oh and remember .... vote liberal.

Well, that was incoherent. Was that supposed to be sarcasm? Anyway, it occurs to me at this point that the only group of working people treated more like shit than the teachers are the nurses. Swell. The people who teach our children, and the people who save our lives get to put up with being shat on for the crime of trying to earn a comfortable wage by (semi-)human fucking scumbags of the sort that drag their hideous bloated carcasses around the messageboards at PTBC and Conservative Life. What a great world.

Tragedy at Conservative Life - Vacation Ruined!

The horror, the horror...

We've gone skiing at Whistler BC several times recently. It's the best ski resort in the world, but last year the anti-Bush anti-American sentiment amongst Canadians put a damper on things.

Awwww. Diddums gettums feewings hurt? Yeesh. We could all understand your sentiments if, say, you we're brutally beaten by Carolyn Parrish, but what happened here is that some guy (or possibly, gasp, a woman!!!1!!), disagreed with our vacationer on some point of politics, and this disagreement has been inflated into anti-Americanism, socialism, Marxism, and probably homosexuality.

We're considering where to go this year for a ski holiday. Whistler is an awesome resort, but by spending my money there, am I supporting the leftist Canuckistan government and their policies?

Are you Bill O'Reilly in disguise? I mean, I'm going to go waaaaaay out on a limb here, and gently suggest that your presence and/or absence will generally have very little effect on the overall economic health of Whistler, B.C. or Canada. Especially because we all know you don't tip, you cheap bastard.

So, should we go back to Canada?
Stay in the US?
Go to Austria? Italy? (Switzerland and France our OUT of the question.)

Ok, you're a conservative, so we all understand why you break out in a rash at any mention of France, but what the hell did Switzerland ever do to you? And I would suggest that Austria sounds ideal for you, as long as you can find a time machine to take you back to 1938:



Fortunately, the Good Samaritans at Conservative Life are on hand to help this troubled soul out of his difficulties. First, a certain Vin suggests:

I will suggest that if this is how you were treated, then they do not deserve your business/money. When the U.S. tourist dollar starts drying up, they'll start to remember proper etiquette and respect.

Oh yeah, the day when obnoxious wankers who don't tip (but do burst into tears every time somebody criticizes President Shrub) stop coming to Canada is going to be a black one indeed!

Then, "ol' goat" intelligently follows up to Vin's suggestion:

Good point Officer Vin.

The military fetish that these guys have is by turns repellent and hilarious, given that not one of them has ever been close to an actual war (masturbating while watching Iron Eagle doesn't count).

And back to Vin, as the fellating gets truly under way!!!:

Thank you sir, from you, that means alot.

Get a room!

United States Senate takes Georgie's toy away

Bush will veto anti-torture law after Senate revolt
By Francis Harris in Washington
(Filed: 07/10/2005)

The Bush administration pledged yesterday to veto legislation banning the torture of prisoners by US troops after an overwhelming and almost unprecedented revolt by loyalist congressmen.

Well this is all very fun. It seems that Arizona Senator John McCain, who has actual experience of being, you know, tortured, decided that enough was enough, and that his country didn't really need any more of this. So, he attached this amendment to an appropriations bill designed to pull together some money for the armed forces. The amendment passed, easily, and so did the bill itself. This put George in a bit of a quandary, since vetoing it would mean saying "no" to whole pot of cash that the military apparently needs really badly. So, what to do? Does George keep his right to have dark-skinned foreigners tortured? Or does he take steps to see that the soldiers fighting and dying for their country are better protected? Hmmm. Torture brown people, or save American lives? Well, go back and read the first paragraph again, and you'll see which way Shrub went. Somehow, we're not surprised.

It was a real bad day for George in other ways, as well.

Let's check in with the folks at Proud To Be Canadian, shall we? This is the site, of course, which flaunts its Canadian patriotism by running columns by Ann Coulter, Rebecca Hagelin, Mike Adams, Jennifer Morse, Doug Giles, Steven Milloy, and other exciting non-Canadians. As far as actual Canadian content is concerned (ooh, alliteration), well, they've got Paul Jackson. Anyway, let's see what Paul's up to today:

British Prime Minister Tony Blair is arguably the most attractive, visionary and courageous politician in the democratic world.

Ok, let's not. At least he's not gushing about Bush in this one. Oh, and here's another one:

Paul Cellucci, former Republican governor of Massachusetts and more recently American ambassador to Canada, is the kind of American who does inspire awe. He’s a photogenic, erudite, William F. Buckley-type, and a man of quiet charm.

Tony Blair's getting jealous!!! And Paul's more homophobic colleagues are starting to ostracize him during coffee break.

We'll be back another time to check out PtbC's exciting array of guest columnists!

Just as a gentle reminder that sometimes things are more important than various Wasylyshens, dumb American presidents, wingnut Canadians, and really poor sportswriting. Normal service to resume soon.

Sports Break at Oi! Thump!

...but don't let that deceive you into thinking we're going to be nice all of a sudden. Not on your life! However, before we start with the bashing, we're going to note that this is an historic post for the Oi! Thump! elite blogetteers, for with this post we surpass the total posts for our previous attempt at blogging. A quick look at the old girl shows that the Oi! Thumpers! were considerably more obsessed with sports in them days, although we still didn't like Bob Wasylyshen.

Anyhoo, we're going to resurrect an old tradition from them days, to wit, the Lame Moments in Sports series. Expect them to be regularly irregular. And now, onto the snark!

Lame Moments in Sports #12: The Existence of Skip Bayless

Meet Skip Bayless, proud ESPN commentator.

Read Skip on "Supporting Your Team-mates, The Importance Of:"

"For a vicariously thrilling moment on Sunday, I was Larry Allen of the Dallas Cowboys. I was the strongest man in the National Football League, and I had my kicker by the face mask. If I ripped off his helmet and his head stayed in it, so be it."

Read Skip on "Education, Its Vital Role in Today's Society:"

"As an OU fan, I don't care if OU players are required to attend a single class, and I don't want my coach jeopardizing our chances to win because of a ridiculously strict new attendance requirement."

Read Skip on "Hyperbole, Dangers Of:"

"If possible, he's even better and worse than ever. He continues to astonish, with his bat and his mouth. At 41, Barry Bonds is again proving to be the greatest hitter and biggest jerk in baseball history."

We could go on, but I think we'll stop here and mourn the death of actual sportswriting. I mean really, the column on placekickers has got to be one of the most godawful things I read recently. Memo to Skip: IT'S OK JUST TO WRITE ABOUT THE GAMES; YOU DON'T NEED TO BE 'CONTROVERSIAL.' Trust me, nobody's standing around the water cooler at work wondering "What does Skip Bayless think about all this?"

As a final note, Bayless is not the only bad sportswriter out there, nor is he probably the worst. He just happened to catch our attention today, is all...

Hailing Frequencies Open!

We done got ourselves a comment!!!!! In response to yesterday's incisive assessment of Ex-Chief Bob's desire to rule again, a certain Emily Santiago cryptically informed us:

Sen. Talent's speeches go online with podcasts
KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Finally, something you can download to your iPod that is perfectly legal.
Find out how you can buy and sell anything, like things related to music on interest free credit and pay back whenever you want! Exchange FREE ads on any topic, like music!

And so we ask, what does Kansas City have to do with any of this? Who's Mo? And so on and so forth.

In other news, our pals over at conservative life have discovered a fetishist in their midst. Of course, after the woofing about defending his family, and "bugout locations," and using GPS to track stored ammunition, we all realize that the only thing the thread author is going to get up to in the case of serious violence towards him and his is a lot of elite-level pants-shitting. Hell, this guy probably soils himself when the milkman comes by. And that's all for now.

You have got to be fucking kidding me...

Ex-city police chief Bob Wasylyshen says he'd consider returning to the post

Comeback of the year? Could be.

Retired police chief Bob Wasylyshen left the door open for a return to the Edmonton Police Service yesterday.

The chief, who was popular both with rank-and-file cops and citizens, says he'd consider returning to the top-cop job if he's approached by the headhunting firm searching for the next chief.

Jeebus. He was popular with the rank-and-file because he let them do whatever they wanted, and the only reason he seemed popular with civilians was because everybody was too terrified of the rank-and-file doing whatever they wanted to say anything about it.

[snip]
Wasylyshen added he's heard from rank-and-file officers who say they'd like him to return.

That would be rank-and-file officers (isn't that an oxymoron, BTW?) like his son, we presume. Ye gods, just when you think the EPS couldn't continue its decline from one of the best forces in the world (and not that long ago, either) to a complete fucking joke, we find out that the asshole who started the slide wants his job back. Jesus fucking wept.

Loonitunes North of the 49th

It's always been a source of deep dismay to the elite Oi! Thump! sociologues that the Americans seem to have all the really good conservative nutjobs. Sure, we've got the Byfields, but they haven't been really relevant since about 1992, even if Link did get himself elected senator-in-waiting-and-waiting-and-waiting-and-boring-people-on-talk-radio. However, we Canadians are a can-do sort of people, and it is with great joy that we introduce to you some folks doing their darndest to shrink the conservative nuttiness gap. Behold, then, the wonder that is Conservative Life. What I particularly enjoy about this site is the effort made by its contributors to deal with the most pressing issues in Canadian conservative thought today. As proof, we have this article here:

Dr. Phil's Son To Wed Playboy Centerfold

Ironically, an episode the other day was about the evils of judging by appearance.

As with those that claim they read Playboy for the articles, I suppose he became smitten by this tramp through her personality.

For those charmed by the puny, ditzy model type, be warned. They don't strike me as the kind that will do much housework or happily do as they are told like a proper wife should.

Yup, cutting edge stuff, with a dose of gratuitous misogyny tossed in, just to make sure everyone remembers that yes, this piece was written by a twit. Then there's this, from the Conservative Life messageboards:

I Would Leap Off The Top Of A Mountain For Pres. Bush

That pretty much makes fun of itself, doesn't it...

Not Dead Yet...

A mere half-a-year on from the last post, the Oi! Thump! staff were awakened from a deep sleep by the kiss of a beautiful maiden. Sort of. By which I mean the cat walked into the Oi! Thump! Fortress of Solitude Command Centre (batteries sold seperately) and barfed. We're reading much ancient Greek and Latin these days, including Aeschylus' Prometheus Bound, Tacitus' Agricola, and a number of other things. The good folks to the south of us seem to have, at least somewhat, realized that they are being governed by a ninny, which is a good thing. And we still await said ninny's Grand Vizier, who is supposed to be paying a visit to our fair land sometime in the near future, presumeably after he has drunk the blood of some virgins, or something... More to come.

Stupidest...Fucking...Article...Ever...

Ye gods, some mothers do have 'em...

Should Women Play Sports?
By Scott Jonas
Jan 4, 2005, 18:33

I have read many great articles by Christian men and women regarding the participation of women in the workforce, politics, and in the military. These are activities that most women didn’t participate in until fifty years ago. However, I feel there is one other major activity these writers have not addressed. For some reason, they've overlooked women’s participation in sports.

Needless to say, our intrepid correspondent doesn't think women should play sports. This is because he is an adherent to the branch of Christian theology known as "being a douchebag." The best paragraph in the piece is this one:

Most men I know admire a woman who is reasonably healthy and fit; they are also attracted to a woman who is somewhat “soft” and cuddly. This does not mean she should be delicate like tissue paper; no, a woman should be reasonably strong, and the normal duties of life will make her that way. This is what we learn from the Proverbs 31 woman. However, if you look at pictures of female athletes who play sports or observe them on the playing fields, you will notice that many develop strong, muscular bodies. Female athletes also sneer, wince, push, and fight just like the men. I notice these things all the time in pictures in our hometown newspaper. The sneers are most obvious; they make young women very unfeminine. The masculine uniforms and sweaty bodies aren’t very attractive, either.

This guy sure spends a lot of time thinking about the sweaty bodies of muscular women who happen to be complete strangers... Did he have a bad date when he was younger? Did Mia Hamm run over his dog? And does Mrs. Jonas think?

Actually, I think our boy has just realized that there's yet another group of people out there who can kick his ass if he gives them any lip.

Oh yeah, and there's this:

I also notice when driving by our public school grounds and sports fields another phenomenon taking place: the young girls are trained in sports right along with the boys. To me, this can only be degrading to the boys. In some cases, girls regularly participate on boys' sports teams, and therefore compete against the boys themselves. During the past decade, more and more girls participated in wrestling; since there were no girls' wrestling teams, they joined the boys' teams and competed against the boys. I read about one school where the boys refused to wrestle the girls and forfeited their matches; there could be no greater embarrassment to them than to lose to a girl, not to mention it likely violated their sense of masculine chivalry. So not only is female sports participation degrading the feminine nature of women, in many cases it degrades the developing masculinity in boys.

Without addressing the issue of how much time Scott Jonas spends "driving by our public school grounds," let me merely say that this paragraph is very revealing. For in it, we see the ghost of young Scott, 14 years old, aspiring Olympic wrestler, until one black day, he takes the mat only to see that his opponent... IS A GURL!!!1!!! The unsettling effect of the sight of her ankles, plus the fact that 83% of Scott's body mass is acne, combine to lead to an epic beat-down, which ends with Scott in surgery to have his big toe removed from his ear. And a legend is born (Ok, it's the legend of a man downloading terabytes of pictures of female athletes "for research," combined with the legend of a man learning the meaning of the term "strap-on," but it's still a legend).

A douchebag, as I said...

Ze Veek uf Hell iz Ofer...
Which doesn't explain the lack of posting, except for the past few days. Anyway, I've just written the worst damn essay I've ever produced, taught the deadest tutorial in the history of tutorials, and so on and so forth. Meanwhile, things have been happening in the world:

We're still burying Mounties. This was a horrific event. 'Nuff said.

The U.S. is still fucking up in Iraq. This is also a horrific thing. I'll be in Italy in a few weeks, and it'll be interesting to see what the opinion "on the street" is.

Paul Cellucci is still being a douchebag. Paul Cellucci is a horrific thing... well not really. What he is is a thug.

And so on and so forth...

Well, I had an entire nice post ready to go about the recent Canadian decision not to get involved in the missile defence fiasco, but when I went to the U.S. embassy website to try to get examples of Paul Cellucci being a twit, it crashed the computer. Damn you Paul Cellucci!!! Anyway, I'm too depressed and lazy now, so I'll try to post more tomorrow.

Been sick, hence no recent posting. Will try to do something on the great Edmonton Police Meltdown of '05 in the near future.

It's oh so easy...

Most folks have probably already seen the above picture, of a little Iraqi girl crying after U.S. soldiers gunned down her parents on the off-chance that they were suicide bombers. And a lot of people in the blogosphere have already made the ironic connection between that photo and the "Freedom on the March" mantra of little Georgie. So there's not really too much more to say on that score, other than to note that my sympathies are also extended somewhat to the soldiers who participated in this particular monumental fuck-up; some sleepless nights ahead for them, methinks.

However, the picture looked oddly familiar to me; a little girl, in terrible fear, her life destroyed by American imperial ambition and greed maskerading as donated freedom. Where have we seen that before? Oh yeah, here:



Perhaps someone on the right can explain to me why the iconic images of America's purported attempts at liberation are always children crying. Any takers?

International Edition...

Well, as very quietly went pretty much unreported in the mainstream press, the U.S. administration finally admitted that, hey, there were no WMDs in Iraq. This stunned nobody. I was going to write an long and scathing post about it, but the proprietress of Baghdad Burning has beaten me to the punch. And she's actually there. Go check her out.

It's Still Early, But This May Be the Best Column of the Year. Seriously though, this woman's priceless.

Stay home, Bobby Jr.
By JANET L. JACKSON -- Calgary Sun

I really hate smug, self-righteous people. It's even more annoying when they are "New York Times-reading, latte-drinking, sushi-eating," and private plane-flying trial lawyers exploiting the naivete of locals in order to expand their personal empires.

Ms. Jackson doesn't like people who read the New York Times, drink coffee, and eat sushi while flying private planes, and I gotta say she's onto something there.

I am, of course, referring to the Waterkeepers Alliance's Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his anti-pig attitude.

Of course you are.

Once again this year, the Waterkeeper Alliance gala, was a huge cash cow for Bobby Jr., paid for by naive Albertans unaware of Bobby Jr.'s hidden anti-pig agenda.

An "anti-pig" agenda? What the fuck is an "anti-pig" agenda? They don't want pigs to get married, or something, I guess.

As offensive as it may be for Americans to come up here to fundraise, be grateful Kennedy is forced to hustle for his loot amongst Hollywood halfwits and naive private locals, unlike Canadian radical environmentalists who feed at the Liberal trough provided by unknowing taxpayers.

Past Environment Minister Lorne Taylor put Bobby Jr. into a rootin' tootin' fistfight sort of mood last year when he exposed the Waterkeeper's hidden agenda.

"I'm always ready for a fist fight," declared reckless Bobby Jr., swaggering off his plane.

Taylor explained what got Kennedy so upset.

"Last time he was here, he fear-mongered on livestock operations and then he used that fear-mongering to raise a bunch of money," Taylor said.

As it turns out, Kennedy's main source of fear mongering fundraising is tied to attacking pig farmers.

It seems Kennedy is an expert on pig-related issues: "How is industrial hog farming a threat to rural America and democracy?" is only one of many papers you will find regarding the topic on his website.

Wait, wait. You've babbled about a "hidden agenda," and now you're saying that there are articles on this agenda freely available on the group's website? I think I could give them some tips on hiding things...

I can hear Kennedy fuming from his New York high-rise office tower, "But we like organic pigs."

As opposed to the all-pervasive inorganic pig?

The evil "factory farm" debate rears its ugly head. You see, Kennedy believes in "organic" bacon, in other words high-priced, elite pork that only people who work in lushly decorated towers can afford.

Yes, we've all known the heartbreak of seeing organic pork prices climb to $1000 an ounce. No wait, that was cocaine...

Unlike Kennedy, I have actually fed pigs, and I have never met an organic pig in my life. I also know many farmers who have built their farms into successful, large operations because they have worked very hard.

First off, the fact that you have actually administered food to some sort of bizarre artificial pig does not mean that you know dick about the pork industry, awright? Secondly, I know several large corporations which have built their farms into successful, large operations because they housed the animals on those farms in conditions which would make an Abu Ghraib prison guard throw up.

In their quest to free the pigs,

I thought they had an anti-pig agenda.

Bobby Jr. and groups like PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) need to understand what living close to the earth really means. If you want to live "close to earth," realize this includes living in a hovel with free-range pigs outside and inside your home (in the winter). Like our European ancestors did.

And now, coming out of left field, we give you... The Complete Non-Sequitur!!! Jeebus we went from the pork industry to ancient Celtic living conditions fast.

While "back to the earth" theory may seem romantic, the practical realities are not and this "back to the earth" philosophy can be used as a tool to interfere in individuals' lives.

The Center for Consumer Freedom, a non-profit consumer watchdog protecting consumer choice, directs attention to the fact that many of Kennedy's Waterkeeper Alliance board members are lawyers with a whole lot of suing on their minds. These lawyers' personal fortunes are tied to class action suits fleecing the tobacco industry.

Is Kennedy and friends' anti-pig agenda related to the fact that since they have destroyed the tobacco industry, these trial lawyers need a new cash cow or cash pig?

The tobacco industry has been destroyed? When's the holiday?

In the current agriculture crisis due to the American border remaining closed to Canadian beef, the last thing Alberta needs is Kennedy attacking pig farmers.

Enjoy the Rockies, but when it comes to farming, mind your own business Bobby. Or better yet, stay home.

Think about it this way: If you really care about our water, Bobby, staying out of Alberta is one less toilet flush of a drain on our valuable water supply.

What? Bobby Kennedy came up here just to use the bathroom? Lady, you're weird.

Oh, and here's the Waterkeeper website.

Official Kyle Young Inquiry Commences: Important Questions Probably Not To Be Asked

'A kind of a melee'
TONY BLAIS, COURT BUREAU

A teen who died in a fall down a prisoner elevator shaft at the Edmonton courthouse was handcuffed and shackled at the time, after assaulting a guard two days earlier. The attack on a female court constable was revealed publicly for the first time yesterday at a fatality inquiry being held into the Jan. 22, 2004, death of Kyle James Young, 16.

Right. We knew the boy was shackled, and now we know why. We still are a little lost on the question of why a small, shackled, 16-year-old found himself propelled through an elevator door.

Young's mother, Lorena Young, is attending the inquiry and said she is hoping to get some answers.

"I'm just glad it finally got started."

I wish Lorena Young could legitimately hope for answers, but this thing's been whitewashed from the start. There are a lot of people, including both cops and court workers, who deserve to be having a real hard time getting any sleep over this.

Well, Happy New Year again. And it looks like 2005 is just going to be the bannerest year ever. We've got another year of the moron to the south of us, who apparently is now considering introducing, um, political action committees to the good folks of Iraq, who apparently haven't suffered enough, while his idiot followers ponder a new method of treating women who've suffered miscarriages. We've got another year of Ralph up here, with the ultra-conservative wing-nuts baying in the background, although that's providing as much comedy as alarm these days. Mother nature seems moderately ticked about something. More people than ever are just confused (sorry dude, but "Proud to be Canadian" and unironic links to Ann Coulter should not really on the same page). One does find some diamonds amid the pig shit though, to mix a metaphor... Well, maybe things will be alright, and maybe, especially in certain parts of the world, they won't.

Happy New Year!!

More on the gay marriage thing

Canada Court's OK of Same-Sex 'Marriage' Has Conservatives Concerned

By Chad Groening and Jenni Parker
December 10, 2004

(AgapePress) - The ruling by Canada's Supreme Court that same-sex marriage is constitutional is reverberating across North America, as liberals and conservatives across the continent react with celebration or alarm. One Canadian pro-family leader says it may take the election of a conservative government to prevent Parliament from extending marriage rights to homosexuals

Yes, well, that would do it, wouldn't it. And, since the Conservatives are pretty much standing alone on this one, with perhaps the odd Liberal in attendance, the chances of getting such an election aren't real good.

The head of the Canada Family Action Coalition says the organization will be working to mobilize citizens across Canada in an attempt to head off the liberal government's efforts to extend marriage rights to homosexuals. "We've got to rally the troops across Canada," he says, urging citizens to contact members of Parliament and tell them, "If you do not support marriage as [being between] a man and a woman, we're coming after you next election and you will be out."

These fuckers must think we live in a really great country, that this is the only issue we have to deal with. For example, this must be happening somewhere else. I certainly missed the Canada Family Action Coalition (motto: "Fucking Up Other Peoples' Families For Fun & Profit") response to it...

We're Back in Business...

Yeah, it's been a nastily busy month or so, which left the Oi! Thumpers! unable to comment on president fuckface's visit to our fair realm, on the provincial election that saw the ruling party take about 3/4 of the seats and still call it a loss, and any number of other tedious things. Anyhoo, the thing riling the right at this point in time seems to be gay marriage, which is about to become legal up here despite the whining of REAL Women, among others. REAL Women? Weren't they just a sexual fantasy of the Alberta Report crew? Why do they still exist? Are they, and the other groups like them, among those undead whose hatred of the living is so strong that they can never die?


No special rights... Support family values... Braaains...

Anyway, here's a particularly lovely example from The Daily Quisling's letter page:

RE: GAY marriage. I am glad that the issue is back before the politicians who have avoided this issue like the plague. The lawmakers need to be willing to make tough moral decisions and face the democratic heat. We as a society can redefine things however we want, but ultimately God, the Creator, holds the definition. We may redefine gravity, but we will reap the consequences of not obeying the law. We may redefine marriage, but we will reap the moral consequences.

Dr. Keith Bienert

Holy Shit! The Supreme Court of Canada can redefine gravity?!?!?!?? They can say "Hmmm, I think we'll solve the national obesity problem; today's gravity will be, oh, let's say 0.72g"?!?!?!?! Why haven't we been told? Who's been keeping this under wraps? And how did the intrepid Dr. Keith Beinert find out about it? And what the fuck does it have to do with gay marriage anyway? The people deserve to know...

Exams, Papers, Marking, More Papers...

We'll be back, but probably not until next week. Ciao.

Well, that didn't take long...


Fucktards Ahoy!

It's but a week and a bit since our friends to the south screwed up and put GWB back in power, but already the trained internet detectives from the Oi! Thump! pool have tracked down the inevitable next step. Yup, it's people who want to repeal the 22nd Amendment to the American Constitution (that's the one that forces people like GWB to eventually retire). And, here they are!

It's from the website of one of those groups that likes to go around branding anyone who disagrees with them a traitor. This lot are a bit more violence-minded than the rest (they have a really nasty tar-and-feather fetish), but that's really the only difference. Scum, in short. We'll be keeping an eye on them, and bringing you more tales of idiocy as they occur.

Oi Thump! Official Response to the U.S. Election


Ya know, I've spent a fair chunk of the last couple of years defending the U.S. during arguments with folks trying to put that country down. "Yeah," I'd say, "They're run by a real piece of shit, but it's not like he was actually elected properly." Fuck, I even felt embarassed when people booed the American national anthem. But that's all over. America, you really shit the bed on this one. You've gone and let foaming religious fundamentalists, greedy sneering media personalities, and people whose only way of interacting with other people is to try to frighten them get together and take over the most powerful government on the planet. Oh, and we can throw in the multinational corporations as well. You let them win. Now, if you actually voted for those fuckers, you're probably illiterate, so it's unlikely that you're reading this. No, this is for the rest of you. It's time for you to actually do something. Have a riot, try to impeach the dickwad, I don't care. But you'd better do something that shows that you have at least a vestigal spine, and do it fast, because otherwise you're going to find yourselves living back in medieval times, and dragging the rest of us down with you, and that's if we're all very lucky. Good luck, but you've got a hell of a mess, and I'm not drowning in optimism here.

Almost Halloween, which means things are getting scary to the south of us. But first, a punk pic...


...and now, back to scariness.

One Nation Under Bush
At a campaign rally, Republicans recite the "Bush Pledge."
By Chris Suellentrop
Updated Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004, at 10:44 PM PT

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla.—"I want you to stand, raise your right hands," and recite "the Bush Pledge," said Florida state Sen. Ken Pruitt. The assembled mass of about 2,000 in this Treasure Coast town about an hour north of West Palm Beach dutifully rose, arms aloft, and repeated after Pruitt: "I care about freedom and liberty. I care about my family. I care about my country. Because I care, I promise to work hard to re-elect, re-elect George W. Bush as president of the United States."

So, they stood there, arms upraised, and swore an oath to their leader... Sort of like this?



Ye gods.

Jesus Murphy, has it really been ten days?


Um, yeah, so we've been busy. I have a German oral exam and a German written exam both coming up, a poopload of marking on the horizon, and I just finished a truly crappy paper. So fuck off. Normal service will be resumed soon. If you are truly missing the Oi! Thump! experience, I would suggest finding a print edition of the latest column by somebody named "Byfield" (he's having trouble this time figuring out which group of Easterners he hates most!) or "Corbela" (this week she thinks that Canada's becoming some sort of fundie Muslim state) or another of their ilk and urinating on it from a great height. It'll tide you over, anyway.

An old friend drops in on Oi! Thump!


So, we were all sitting around in the top-secret Oi! Thump! headquarters, nursing our hangovers and pondering the nasty political situation in the large country to the south of us, when the doors banged open and in strolled Pliny the Younger. That's right, Mr. Caius Plinius Caecilius Secundus himself. Now, we hadn't seen much of Pliny since he passed away in about A.D. 112, but, given what's been in the water around here since the unicorn fell into the cistern and drowned, we weren't all that surprised when he showed up.

"Why so glum?" he asked.

"Weeel," we said, "our good friends to the south of us look like they might actually, if you can believe it, elect to their highest office a man who would make you long for the days of Domitian."

"Ye Gods, not George W. Bush!" said Pliny.

"Unfortunately, yes," we replied, warming to the topic at hand. "You should have seen the little twerp debating his opponent the other night. Oratory is fucking dead, man."

"Now there, you speak the truth," quoth our guest. "Indeed (and I remember expressing similar sentiments once long ago in a letter to my friend Maximus) I am ashamed to describe the speeches of today,



the mincing accents in which they are delivered,



and the puerile applause they receive."



Then we all hit the sambuca and the rest of the night is a bit of a blur.

For the record, the letter to Maximus is Pliny II.14.

Jeebus we're spending a lot of time on the Byfields lately...


...but they're just so darn poke-fun-at-able. Here's Byfield pere:

Sun, October 3, 2004
Albertans must prepare for the storm
By Ted Byfield -- Calgary Sun

Possibly the most significant date in the history of Alberta will fall within a year after Nov. 22. That's the date of the provincial election.

Some time after that, the Martin government will announce the New National Energy Program, the purpose of which will be to commandeer Alberta's natural resource revenues and convey them to Eastern Canada generally and to Quebec in particular.

This is not a possibility.

I think we should consider it a dead certainty.

Yup, the jack-booted thugs of the Eastern Commissars will come into your house, smash your kid's piggy-bank, and cart the proceeds back to Ontario and Quebec, laughing like fiends all the while. IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN PEOPLE!!! AND SOON!!! LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!!! But don't panic, Ted is here to tell you what to do.

I also believe it imposes on every Albertan a single decision.

When the Martin government proposes this, will we vote to separate from Canada?

Um, I'm going to put the rent money down on "No" for that one, Ted. Sorry 'bout that.

All this sounds like dire alarmism, I know, but consider the circumstances.

First the economic ones: Oil has hit $50 a barrel and is altogether likely to keep on going up.

That confers enormous economic advantage on this province.

And, in Ted's Alberta, we take that enormous economic advantage and sit on top of it, glaring hatefully at the neighbours all the while.

It will funnel billions more into the oil sands, and make Alberta the economic engine of the whole country.

Last week, we saw Imperial Oil announce it was finally moving its head office into Alberta, where it should have been all along.

This is only a beginning.

Money, jobs, technology, all these things and many more will begin gravitating into the province.

So far so good. This is supposed to provoke us to separate?

Now consider the political circumstances:

The minority Martin government almost certainly must face an election within two years, and it can call one any time it pleases.

To gain a majority, it must win more seats in Quebec and Ontario. The surefire means to gain support down there is to promise a major raid on "the Rich Oil Barons," meaning us.

It's a formula that has never failed. It is bound to happen.

Ok, that probably wins the 2004 award for "Most Concentrated Bullshit in a Newspaper Column." C'mon down, Ted!! Anyway, the "formula" has never failed because it's never been tried. Winning more seats in Quebec and Ontario (and the West) is going to be better achieved by supporting the frickin' municipalities anyway.

It is also a double-edged sword because it will cause a devastating split in the Tories.

Their Alberta and Western wing will go one way and their Ontario and Eastern wing will go another.

So we will have a single-issue federal election.

Do you want a government that is prepared to "stand for the interests of all Canada," or one that will "serve only the interests of a single, already very rich province?"

The Liberals will go back with a landslide.

The Alberta boom will come to an abrupt end.

Because every time the Liberals get into power, Alberta gets automatically screwed. Oh wait, what's the opposite of getting screwed? Right, that's what happens.

Anyway, the rest of the article is basically concerned with the timing of the descent of the Liberal hordes on Alberta, and whether they'll get here before the Queen does. And whether that will provoke loony people to try to hijack the provincial Conservative Party leadership. I mean, it's not like that's happening already... Or like it's never happened in the past... However, Ted does close off with a piece of good advice:

The answer is that we can think out the issue -- not angrily but coolly, not emotionally but rationally.

But remember, THE EASTERNERS ARE COMING!!! THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE OUR MONEY!!! THEY'RE EEEEEEVIL!! But let's all be rational.

Ah, the first post of October...


Our friend Link has decided that he's had enough of boring people stupid with his "rants" in the Edmonton Sun, and has apparently decided to take his little act to the national stage. Actually, this is pretty funny. If he wins, we're going to get to see ol' Link on his knees in front of Paul Martin begging for a job.

Fri, October 1, 2004

I'm in the race
By LINK BYFIELD -- Calgary Sun

Not the human race, surely.

It now looks almost certain that a provincial election will occur on Monday, Nov. 22.

This matters to me personally, because I'm running in it.

So, elections only matter to the people who're running them? Interesting take on democracy there, old boy.

I'm standing as a candidate for the Senate.

But Link, you do realize that will mean you will have to come out of your bunker, and actually go to Ottawa, should you win and sufficiently fellate the necessary people to actually get a seat.

On voting day, Albertans will be given two ballots, one to pick their local MLA, and the other to choose provincewide candidates for Alberta's three existing Senate vacancies.

Premier Klein will send the top three picks to Prime Minister Paul Martin, urging him to appoint them.

There is, of course, no guarantee Martin will do so. Alberta's first senatorial winner was appointed back in 1989.

Normally, however, prime ministers choose favourites from within their own party who nobody's heard of.

Actually, doofus, most of us have heard of the Prime Minister's own party.

This is why the Canadian Senate has little credibility or public respect.

Whereas, when the Byfield dynasty takes up its rightful seat in Canada's own House of Lords, the credibility and respect will shoot right through the roof! Hooray!

And so on and so forth. Anyway, I want to urge everyone out there to vote for Link for Senate. If he's elected, and his blowjob is of such quality that Martin actually appoints him, I promise, right here on this here blog, that we will shine the bright arc-light of accountability on Mr. Link. We will track his every move in the Upper Chamber! We will note the significance of his every utterance (except the snoring). We will present you with indepth statistical analysis of his salary versus the benefits you, the Canadian taxpayer, are deriving from it! In short, we will pester to the max! Until we get bored.

Undies...


Ok, time for a sports break here at Oi! Thump!. Not long ago, Mr. Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants Baseball Club (Est. 1883) hit the 700th Home Run of his illustrious career. And then, what has sadly become inevitable in such situations occurred...

Dispute over a Bonds home run arises again
Associated Press

SAN FRANCISCO -- The San Francisco Giants fan who caught Barry Bonds' 700th homer is being sued by another man who says he was the rightful owner of the prized ball, which he maintains was stolen from him during a mad scramble.

According to a restraining order to be filed in state court Tuesday, Timothy Murphy said Steve Williams stole the historic blast from him during a melee in the left-center bleachers at SBC Park on Sept. 17.

There is a solution for this sort of thing, you know. And here it is - the The Official Oi! Thump! Guide to Resolving Disputes Over Historic Baseballs:

1. If any one of the disputants is under 13 years of age, that person shall be awarded the baseball. In addition, if any of the disputants are under 13 years of age, any disputants over the age of 25 will be charged with assault.

2. If two or more of the disputants are under 13 years of age, the ball will be awarded to them jointly.

3. If any of the disputants are over the age of 40, they shall automatically be disqualified from any stake in the ball. And they shall be mocked.

4. Any disputant who uses any equipment other than a standard-issue baseball glove to attempt to catch the ball will be disqualified from any stake in the ball.

5. If there are no disputants under 13 years of age, the remaining disputants between the ages of 13 and 39 (inc.) shall be made to write an essay on the history and significance of baseball. The length of said essay will depend on the writer's age as follows: 13-19 y.o. = 2500 words, 20-29 y.o. = 5000 words, 30-39 y.o. = 10,000 words. The essays will be judged by a panel of baseball writers, and the winner will be given custody of the ball.

See, not too difficult...

Es geht gut...


Just came out of a German exam (my first actual, for-marks, thing since I got back on this crazy ship), and I must say I'll be very disappointed if I didn't kick its ass. Think I managed to keep my noun genders separate though. Not too much else going on, and Link's column from Friday was dead boring (Chretien was bad, etc. etc.). On the plus side, it appears that there's going to be a Mark Lisac book out soon (maybe already out - it's on the Fall 2004 list at Newest Press). For those of you who don't know, Lisac's probably been the best columnist on matters Albertan that I can remember, so I look forward to him puttting the boots to the whole concept of "Western alienation."

Latest quit smoking attempt is now one day old...


Haven't been about much in the past week, mostly because being a grad student is rather hard work (and all of you who like bleating on about "ivory towers" and "getting out into the real world" can go fuck yourselves), but also because I've been sicker than eight dogs. The next person to use this keyboard is probably doomed...

Anyway, here's Link's exciting take on the big scandal we're calling "Ralph's Night Out." For those of you who've been away, our dear premier skipped out on a vital health care conference with the other premiers to go, wait for it, to a casino... Yeah, he's going to get elected again too. Anyway, here's Link...

Waiting for a parade

Ralph misses key opportunity to fend off Ottawa's intrusions
By LINK BYFIELD -- Calgary Sun

Hey, how about that ol' Ralph, sneaking off to a casino instead of suffering through long days of pompous televised health policy wind-baggery this week in Ottawa.

Ralph played hooky, and I bet most people back here laughed. He looked like a kid skipping out on chores to go play. There's something charming about it.

And so on and so forth. You just know, too, that if some other premier had done that, Link would have cummed himself in righteous indignation, and the shear pomposity of the columns he wrote in response would have threatened all life on Earth. But when Darling Ralph steps out of line, it's written off as having "something charming" about it." Ladies and gentlemen, there's nothing charming about a lazy useless fuck-up being repeatedly placed in positions of authority and just as repeatedly disgracing and embarassing the people he's supposed to represent.

Ah, a day spent watching one of my favourite columnists ever tear Sean Hannity a new one is a day well spent. Not that I spent all day doing that, just the last little bit of it. I also fixed my last post, so you can now see exactly what's my text and what's Link's.

I'm a grad student, and here's a pic..."



Yes, it's true, I have re-entered the groves of academe officially, and now have an office, which I share with a mysterious person whom I've never met. He seems to be some sort of Canadian historian. Anyhoo, in the world outside the ivory towers, things continue as normal, which means essentially that Link Byfield keeps writing shit.

No respect
By LINK BYFIELD -- Calgary Sun

Hmmm, a Byfield column entitled "No Respect." Arrrrh, there be whinin' on the horizon mateys!

I don't know Bob Foulkes and he doesn't know me. But for some reason he seems to think he does. Foulkes wrote a piece in another Calgary paper yesterday diagnosing me as basically paranoid. He didn't name me specifically.

Ok, so Mr. Foulkes specifically didn't call you paranoid, but you think he did. Doesn't that make you, um, paranoid?

He said it about all Albertans who advocate greater use of provincial rights.

Paranoia reflected onto a group is still paranoia, Link.

He imagines we are motivated by "frustration, resentment and fear," among other mental defects.

Ok, so Mr. Foulkes has a talent for stating the obvious. Not a crime, last time I checked.

Unlike Bob, I won't try to psychoanalyse the whole 60%-plus of Albertans who want more provincial autonomy and less federal government. After all, there are two million of us. But he's wrong about me, and the many I happen to know. We disagree with the centralist federal policies of the past 40 years because they've been such a huge flop.

Yeah, "a huge flop" as shown by the fact that Canada (Alberta in particular, of course) is now an economic wasteland, where innocent Albertans are deprived of health care and pensions, and the only sound is the hideous laughter of Eastern commissars reveling in their mastery (see Oi Thump! passim). Oh wait, that's not true.

He has no more reason or right to call us "resentful" and "fearful" than I would to call him a "spineless Ottawa suck-up," which I won't do.

Oh Link, you sly dog, you.

Political debate in this country would go a whole lot better if everyone would stick to the issues and stop getting personal.

We regret to inform you that the entire staff of Oi Thump! died of immediate actue irony poisoning after reading the above sentence.

I'm sure Bob's a well-motivated guy. He just happens to be wrong.

Foulkes rejects the idea of Alberta running its own provincial replacements to the Canada Pension Plan, the RCMP and federal collection of provincial taxes -- three things Albertans have the constitutional right to run for themselves the way Quebec does. He says those of us who promote these things want to "isolate Alberta" and "turn our backs on Canada."

Well, duh.

This is false. We don't.

That is false. You do.

Take the pension plan. Alberta has a unilateral right to opt into its own separate pension plan with three years' notice to the federal government. After negotiations with Ottawa, a seamless transition would occur. Pensioners would not even notice the difference.

But why do it, asks Foulkes.

Because (a) Albertans would get the same benefits as they do from the CPP at significantly less cost, and (b) Alberta's departure would force CPP premiums up in the remaining provinces, creating a national furor.

Yup, it's worth doing because it'll fuck up the neighbours! Great. I mean, what does Link Byfield have against working people in Saskatchewan or New Brunswick that he wants to their CPP premiums go up? Is this guy a fucking creep, or what?

The truth is that an Alberta pension plan would be only slightly less of a rip-off to young Albertans than the Canada Pension Plan, which is a boondoggle that should never have been started.

And what does he have against young people in Alberta, that he wants to seem them ripped off?

Alberta has been pointing this out for years. But what can we do about it?

Better public pension systems are available.

In more adaptive nations, such as Chile, citizens are now required to bank 10% of their personal income in private retirement funds.

They choose between competing, regulated private plans, and the money remains theirs, not the government's. Although anyone can still claim pension benefits from the government as an alternative, most people do better in the private system.

So it's, um, sort of like Canada then, where you can get a government pension, or invest your money yourself? What was your point here, Link?

But here we bump up against the modern Canadian dilemma, much like medicare, employment insurance and fiscal equalization.

To start the CPP, Ottawa first invaded a provincial jurisdiction by making promises it couldn't possibly keep. To pay for it, the feds vigorously siphon billions upon billions out of Ontario and Alberta. Receiving provinces cheer from the sidelines, and Ottawa refuses to fix the program.

Oh, that's why he doesn't like Saskatchewan and New Brunswick! Because he's a moron who seems to have conveniently forgotten that folks in Ontario and Alberta get pensions too!

So what should Albertans do?

Bob Foulkes says, "The solution is to work harder to bring those fellers down east around to our point of view." We should "continue our outspoken participation in the affairs of the nation (which) enriched the federation."

Well put, Bob. Sounds like Bob, at least, is definitely against "isolating Alberta" and "turning our backs on Canada." What, Link is your response to this seemingly reasonable statement?

This is bafflegab.

Why am I not surprised.

Canada is more centralized today than it was in 1993, when the Reform party first showed up en masse in Parliament. The federal government is more corrupt, more bereft of ideas, and more stubbornly hostile to the West.

Link, did you just blame the Reform party for the centralization of Canada? Did you mean to do that? Are you going to find part of a tractor in your bed tonight?

The only "enriching" the feds want from Alberta is the $12 billion they take out each year in taxes and don't send back in spending. They want our money, not our enriching point of view.

Eastern commissars, etc.

People such as Bob have to decide whether they want Eastern Canada to like us or to respect us. If it's respect, we must start exercising our rights.

No, we just have to stop being complete morons, because Easterners already do like us. You first, Link.

Week 1 of unemployment going just fine, thank you...


And now there's this non-story...

Cops file complaint
ANDREA SANDS, CITY HALL BUREAU

Rank-and-file cops want the Edmonton Police Commission chairman punished or fired for making "unprofessional" public statements about officers, says the president of Edmonton's police union. Staff Sgt. Peter Ratcliff confirmed yesterday he has written to Mayor Bill Smith on behalf of 1,200 Edmonton Police Association members, arguing commission chairman Martin Ignasiak has lost his objectivity "and that he either needs to be disciplined in some way or removed."

OK kiddies, let's review. The appalling statements made by Ignasiak were basically to the effect that high-speed chases are dangerous and we have too many of them (see Oi! Thump!s passim) and that he didn't think police used their tasers too much. Oh the horror. The problem here, of course, is the same problem it's been for the last several years, and that is that the EPS absolutely refuses to accept any criticism on any issue from any person. And this will be the problem (and it's a problem for the decent rank-and-file police officers as well) until we fucking well get a civilian oversight committee together to custodiat the custodies, as it were. Of course, any suggestion that that might be the way to go provokes screams of bloody murder from the police brass. Sigh. Anyway, my favouritest quote from the Edmonton Sun article is this one:

The critical comments have created a "very dangerous and confrontational atmosphere" for officers responding to calls, [Staff Sgt. Peter] Ratcliff argued.

From a police force whose most recently departed chief was infamous for the confrontational attitude he urged his officers to adopt, that's just pathetic.