Wednesday, January 12, 2005

It's Still Early, But This May Be the Best Column of the Year. Seriously though, this woman's priceless.

Stay home, Bobby Jr.
By JANET L. JACKSON -- Calgary Sun

I really hate smug, self-righteous people. It's even more annoying when they are "New York Times-reading, latte-drinking, sushi-eating," and private plane-flying trial lawyers exploiting the naivete of locals in order to expand their personal empires.

Ms. Jackson doesn't like people who read the New York Times, drink coffee, and eat sushi while flying private planes, and I gotta say she's onto something there.

I am, of course, referring to the Waterkeepers Alliance's Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his anti-pig attitude.

Of course you are.

Once again this year, the Waterkeeper Alliance gala, was a huge cash cow for Bobby Jr., paid for by naive Albertans unaware of Bobby Jr.'s hidden anti-pig agenda.

An "anti-pig" agenda? What the fuck is an "anti-pig" agenda? They don't want pigs to get married, or something, I guess.

As offensive as it may be for Americans to come up here to fundraise, be grateful Kennedy is forced to hustle for his loot amongst Hollywood halfwits and naive private locals, unlike Canadian radical environmentalists who feed at the Liberal trough provided by unknowing taxpayers.

Past Environment Minister Lorne Taylor put Bobby Jr. into a rootin' tootin' fistfight sort of mood last year when he exposed the Waterkeeper's hidden agenda.

"I'm always ready for a fist fight," declared reckless Bobby Jr., swaggering off his plane.

Taylor explained what got Kennedy so upset.

"Last time he was here, he fear-mongered on livestock operations and then he used that fear-mongering to raise a bunch of money," Taylor said.

As it turns out, Kennedy's main source of fear mongering fundraising is tied to attacking pig farmers.

It seems Kennedy is an expert on pig-related issues: "How is industrial hog farming a threat to rural America and democracy?" is only one of many papers you will find regarding the topic on his website.

Wait, wait. You've babbled about a "hidden agenda," and now you're saying that there are articles on this agenda freely available on the group's website? I think I could give them some tips on hiding things...

I can hear Kennedy fuming from his New York high-rise office tower, "But we like organic pigs."

As opposed to the all-pervasive inorganic pig?

The evil "factory farm" debate rears its ugly head. You see, Kennedy believes in "organic" bacon, in other words high-priced, elite pork that only people who work in lushly decorated towers can afford.

Yes, we've all known the heartbreak of seeing organic pork prices climb to $1000 an ounce. No wait, that was cocaine...

Unlike Kennedy, I have actually fed pigs, and I have never met an organic pig in my life. I also know many farmers who have built their farms into successful, large operations because they have worked very hard.

First off, the fact that you have actually administered food to some sort of bizarre artificial pig does not mean that you know dick about the pork industry, awright? Secondly, I know several large corporations which have built their farms into successful, large operations because they housed the animals on those farms in conditions which would make an Abu Ghraib prison guard throw up.

In their quest to free the pigs,

I thought they had an anti-pig agenda.

Bobby Jr. and groups like PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) need to understand what living close to the earth really means. If you want to live "close to earth," realize this includes living in a hovel with free-range pigs outside and inside your home (in the winter). Like our European ancestors did.

And now, coming out of left field, we give you... The Complete Non-Sequitur!!! Jeebus we went from the pork industry to ancient Celtic living conditions fast.

While "back to the earth" theory may seem romantic, the practical realities are not and this "back to the earth" philosophy can be used as a tool to interfere in individuals' lives.

The Center for Consumer Freedom, a non-profit consumer watchdog protecting consumer choice, directs attention to the fact that many of Kennedy's Waterkeeper Alliance board members are lawyers with a whole lot of suing on their minds. These lawyers' personal fortunes are tied to class action suits fleecing the tobacco industry.

Is Kennedy and friends' anti-pig agenda related to the fact that since they have destroyed the tobacco industry, these trial lawyers need a new cash cow or cash pig?

The tobacco industry has been destroyed? When's the holiday?

In the current agriculture crisis due to the American border remaining closed to Canadian beef, the last thing Alberta needs is Kennedy attacking pig farmers.

Enjoy the Rockies, but when it comes to farming, mind your own business Bobby. Or better yet, stay home.

Think about it this way: If you really care about our water, Bobby, staying out of Alberta is one less toilet flush of a drain on our valuable water supply.

What? Bobby Kennedy came up here just to use the bathroom? Lady, you're weird.

Oh, and here's the Waterkeeper website.

No comments: