It's oh so easy...

Most folks have probably already seen the above picture, of a little Iraqi girl crying after U.S. soldiers gunned down her parents on the off-chance that they were suicide bombers. And a lot of people in the blogosphere have already made the ironic connection between that photo and the "Freedom on the March" mantra of little Georgie. So there's not really too much more to say on that score, other than to note that my sympathies are also extended somewhat to the soldiers who participated in this particular monumental fuck-up; some sleepless nights ahead for them, methinks.

However, the picture looked oddly familiar to me; a little girl, in terrible fear, her life destroyed by American imperial ambition and greed maskerading as donated freedom. Where have we seen that before? Oh yeah, here:



Perhaps someone on the right can explain to me why the iconic images of America's purported attempts at liberation are always children crying. Any takers?

International Edition...

Well, as very quietly went pretty much unreported in the mainstream press, the U.S. administration finally admitted that, hey, there were no WMDs in Iraq. This stunned nobody. I was going to write an long and scathing post about it, but the proprietress of Baghdad Burning has beaten me to the punch. And she's actually there. Go check her out.

It's Still Early, But This May Be the Best Column of the Year. Seriously though, this woman's priceless.

Stay home, Bobby Jr.
By JANET L. JACKSON -- Calgary Sun

I really hate smug, self-righteous people. It's even more annoying when they are "New York Times-reading, latte-drinking, sushi-eating," and private plane-flying trial lawyers exploiting the naivete of locals in order to expand their personal empires.

Ms. Jackson doesn't like people who read the New York Times, drink coffee, and eat sushi while flying private planes, and I gotta say she's onto something there.

I am, of course, referring to the Waterkeepers Alliance's Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his anti-pig attitude.

Of course you are.

Once again this year, the Waterkeeper Alliance gala, was a huge cash cow for Bobby Jr., paid for by naive Albertans unaware of Bobby Jr.'s hidden anti-pig agenda.

An "anti-pig" agenda? What the fuck is an "anti-pig" agenda? They don't want pigs to get married, or something, I guess.

As offensive as it may be for Americans to come up here to fundraise, be grateful Kennedy is forced to hustle for his loot amongst Hollywood halfwits and naive private locals, unlike Canadian radical environmentalists who feed at the Liberal trough provided by unknowing taxpayers.

Past Environment Minister Lorne Taylor put Bobby Jr. into a rootin' tootin' fistfight sort of mood last year when he exposed the Waterkeeper's hidden agenda.

"I'm always ready for a fist fight," declared reckless Bobby Jr., swaggering off his plane.

Taylor explained what got Kennedy so upset.

"Last time he was here, he fear-mongered on livestock operations and then he used that fear-mongering to raise a bunch of money," Taylor said.

As it turns out, Kennedy's main source of fear mongering fundraising is tied to attacking pig farmers.

It seems Kennedy is an expert on pig-related issues: "How is industrial hog farming a threat to rural America and democracy?" is only one of many papers you will find regarding the topic on his website.

Wait, wait. You've babbled about a "hidden agenda," and now you're saying that there are articles on this agenda freely available on the group's website? I think I could give them some tips on hiding things...

I can hear Kennedy fuming from his New York high-rise office tower, "But we like organic pigs."

As opposed to the all-pervasive inorganic pig?

The evil "factory farm" debate rears its ugly head. You see, Kennedy believes in "organic" bacon, in other words high-priced, elite pork that only people who work in lushly decorated towers can afford.

Yes, we've all known the heartbreak of seeing organic pork prices climb to $1000 an ounce. No wait, that was cocaine...

Unlike Kennedy, I have actually fed pigs, and I have never met an organic pig in my life. I also know many farmers who have built their farms into successful, large operations because they have worked very hard.

First off, the fact that you have actually administered food to some sort of bizarre artificial pig does not mean that you know dick about the pork industry, awright? Secondly, I know several large corporations which have built their farms into successful, large operations because they housed the animals on those farms in conditions which would make an Abu Ghraib prison guard throw up.

In their quest to free the pigs,

I thought they had an anti-pig agenda.

Bobby Jr. and groups like PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) need to understand what living close to the earth really means. If you want to live "close to earth," realize this includes living in a hovel with free-range pigs outside and inside your home (in the winter). Like our European ancestors did.

And now, coming out of left field, we give you... The Complete Non-Sequitur!!! Jeebus we went from the pork industry to ancient Celtic living conditions fast.

While "back to the earth" theory may seem romantic, the practical realities are not and this "back to the earth" philosophy can be used as a tool to interfere in individuals' lives.

The Center for Consumer Freedom, a non-profit consumer watchdog protecting consumer choice, directs attention to the fact that many of Kennedy's Waterkeeper Alliance board members are lawyers with a whole lot of suing on their minds. These lawyers' personal fortunes are tied to class action suits fleecing the tobacco industry.

Is Kennedy and friends' anti-pig agenda related to the fact that since they have destroyed the tobacco industry, these trial lawyers need a new cash cow or cash pig?

The tobacco industry has been destroyed? When's the holiday?

In the current agriculture crisis due to the American border remaining closed to Canadian beef, the last thing Alberta needs is Kennedy attacking pig farmers.

Enjoy the Rockies, but when it comes to farming, mind your own business Bobby. Or better yet, stay home.

Think about it this way: If you really care about our water, Bobby, staying out of Alberta is one less toilet flush of a drain on our valuable water supply.

What? Bobby Kennedy came up here just to use the bathroom? Lady, you're weird.

Oh, and here's the Waterkeeper website.

Official Kyle Young Inquiry Commences: Important Questions Probably Not To Be Asked

'A kind of a melee'
TONY BLAIS, COURT BUREAU

A teen who died in a fall down a prisoner elevator shaft at the Edmonton courthouse was handcuffed and shackled at the time, after assaulting a guard two days earlier. The attack on a female court constable was revealed publicly for the first time yesterday at a fatality inquiry being held into the Jan. 22, 2004, death of Kyle James Young, 16.

Right. We knew the boy was shackled, and now we know why. We still are a little lost on the question of why a small, shackled, 16-year-old found himself propelled through an elevator door.

Young's mother, Lorena Young, is attending the inquiry and said she is hoping to get some answers.

"I'm just glad it finally got started."

I wish Lorena Young could legitimately hope for answers, but this thing's been whitewashed from the start. There are a lot of people, including both cops and court workers, who deserve to be having a real hard time getting any sleep over this.

Well, Happy New Year again. And it looks like 2005 is just going to be the bannerest year ever. We've got another year of the moron to the south of us, who apparently is now considering introducing, um, political action committees to the good folks of Iraq, who apparently haven't suffered enough, while his idiot followers ponder a new method of treating women who've suffered miscarriages. We've got another year of Ralph up here, with the ultra-conservative wing-nuts baying in the background, although that's providing as much comedy as alarm these days. Mother nature seems moderately ticked about something. More people than ever are just confused (sorry dude, but "Proud to be Canadian" and unironic links to Ann Coulter should not really on the same page). One does find some diamonds amid the pig shit though, to mix a metaphor... Well, maybe things will be alright, and maybe, especially in certain parts of the world, they won't.

Happy New Year!!

More on the gay marriage thing

Canada Court's OK of Same-Sex 'Marriage' Has Conservatives Concerned

By Chad Groening and Jenni Parker
December 10, 2004

(AgapePress) - The ruling by Canada's Supreme Court that same-sex marriage is constitutional is reverberating across North America, as liberals and conservatives across the continent react with celebration or alarm. One Canadian pro-family leader says it may take the election of a conservative government to prevent Parliament from extending marriage rights to homosexuals

Yes, well, that would do it, wouldn't it. And, since the Conservatives are pretty much standing alone on this one, with perhaps the odd Liberal in attendance, the chances of getting such an election aren't real good.

The head of the Canada Family Action Coalition says the organization will be working to mobilize citizens across Canada in an attempt to head off the liberal government's efforts to extend marriage rights to homosexuals. "We've got to rally the troops across Canada," he says, urging citizens to contact members of Parliament and tell them, "If you do not support marriage as [being between] a man and a woman, we're coming after you next election and you will be out."

These fuckers must think we live in a really great country, that this is the only issue we have to deal with. For example, this must be happening somewhere else. I certainly missed the Canada Family Action Coalition (motto: "Fucking Up Other Peoples' Families For Fun & Profit") response to it...

We're Back in Business...

Yeah, it's been a nastily busy month or so, which left the Oi! Thumpers! unable to comment on president fuckface's visit to our fair realm, on the provincial election that saw the ruling party take about 3/4 of the seats and still call it a loss, and any number of other tedious things. Anyhoo, the thing riling the right at this point in time seems to be gay marriage, which is about to become legal up here despite the whining of REAL Women, among others. REAL Women? Weren't they just a sexual fantasy of the Alberta Report crew? Why do they still exist? Are they, and the other groups like them, among those undead whose hatred of the living is so strong that they can never die?


No special rights... Support family values... Braaains...

Anyway, here's a particularly lovely example from The Daily Quisling's letter page:

RE: GAY marriage. I am glad that the issue is back before the politicians who have avoided this issue like the plague. The lawmakers need to be willing to make tough moral decisions and face the democratic heat. We as a society can redefine things however we want, but ultimately God, the Creator, holds the definition. We may redefine gravity, but we will reap the consequences of not obeying the law. We may redefine marriage, but we will reap the moral consequences.

Dr. Keith Bienert

Holy Shit! The Supreme Court of Canada can redefine gravity?!?!?!?? They can say "Hmmm, I think we'll solve the national obesity problem; today's gravity will be, oh, let's say 0.72g"?!?!?!?! Why haven't we been told? Who's been keeping this under wraps? And how did the intrepid Dr. Keith Beinert find out about it? And what the fuck does it have to do with gay marriage anyway? The people deserve to know...

Exams, Papers, Marking, More Papers...

We'll be back, but probably not until next week. Ciao.

Well, that didn't take long...


Fucktards Ahoy!

It's but a week and a bit since our friends to the south screwed up and put GWB back in power, but already the trained internet detectives from the Oi! Thump! pool have tracked down the inevitable next step. Yup, it's people who want to repeal the 22nd Amendment to the American Constitution (that's the one that forces people like GWB to eventually retire). And, here they are!

It's from the website of one of those groups that likes to go around branding anyone who disagrees with them a traitor. This lot are a bit more violence-minded than the rest (they have a really nasty tar-and-feather fetish), but that's really the only difference. Scum, in short. We'll be keeping an eye on them, and bringing you more tales of idiocy as they occur.

Oi Thump! Official Response to the U.S. Election


Ya know, I've spent a fair chunk of the last couple of years defending the U.S. during arguments with folks trying to put that country down. "Yeah," I'd say, "They're run by a real piece of shit, but it's not like he was actually elected properly." Fuck, I even felt embarassed when people booed the American national anthem. But that's all over. America, you really shit the bed on this one. You've gone and let foaming religious fundamentalists, greedy sneering media personalities, and people whose only way of interacting with other people is to try to frighten them get together and take over the most powerful government on the planet. Oh, and we can throw in the multinational corporations as well. You let them win. Now, if you actually voted for those fuckers, you're probably illiterate, so it's unlikely that you're reading this. No, this is for the rest of you. It's time for you to actually do something. Have a riot, try to impeach the dickwad, I don't care. But you'd better do something that shows that you have at least a vestigal spine, and do it fast, because otherwise you're going to find yourselves living back in medieval times, and dragging the rest of us down with you, and that's if we're all very lucky. Good luck, but you've got a hell of a mess, and I'm not drowning in optimism here.

Almost Halloween, which means things are getting scary to the south of us. But first, a punk pic...


...and now, back to scariness.

One Nation Under Bush
At a campaign rally, Republicans recite the "Bush Pledge."
By Chris Suellentrop
Updated Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004, at 10:44 PM PT

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla.—"I want you to stand, raise your right hands," and recite "the Bush Pledge," said Florida state Sen. Ken Pruitt. The assembled mass of about 2,000 in this Treasure Coast town about an hour north of West Palm Beach dutifully rose, arms aloft, and repeated after Pruitt: "I care about freedom and liberty. I care about my family. I care about my country. Because I care, I promise to work hard to re-elect, re-elect George W. Bush as president of the United States."

So, they stood there, arms upraised, and swore an oath to their leader... Sort of like this?



Ye gods.

Jesus Murphy, has it really been ten days?


Um, yeah, so we've been busy. I have a German oral exam and a German written exam both coming up, a poopload of marking on the horizon, and I just finished a truly crappy paper. So fuck off. Normal service will be resumed soon. If you are truly missing the Oi! Thump! experience, I would suggest finding a print edition of the latest column by somebody named "Byfield" (he's having trouble this time figuring out which group of Easterners he hates most!) or "Corbela" (this week she thinks that Canada's becoming some sort of fundie Muslim state) or another of their ilk and urinating on it from a great height. It'll tide you over, anyway.

An old friend drops in on Oi! Thump!


So, we were all sitting around in the top-secret Oi! Thump! headquarters, nursing our hangovers and pondering the nasty political situation in the large country to the south of us, when the doors banged open and in strolled Pliny the Younger. That's right, Mr. Caius Plinius Caecilius Secundus himself. Now, we hadn't seen much of Pliny since he passed away in about A.D. 112, but, given what's been in the water around here since the unicorn fell into the cistern and drowned, we weren't all that surprised when he showed up.

"Why so glum?" he asked.

"Weeel," we said, "our good friends to the south of us look like they might actually, if you can believe it, elect to their highest office a man who would make you long for the days of Domitian."

"Ye Gods, not George W. Bush!" said Pliny.

"Unfortunately, yes," we replied, warming to the topic at hand. "You should have seen the little twerp debating his opponent the other night. Oratory is fucking dead, man."

"Now there, you speak the truth," quoth our guest. "Indeed (and I remember expressing similar sentiments once long ago in a letter to my friend Maximus) I am ashamed to describe the speeches of today,



the mincing accents in which they are delivered,



and the puerile applause they receive."



Then we all hit the sambuca and the rest of the night is a bit of a blur.

For the record, the letter to Maximus is Pliny II.14.

Jeebus we're spending a lot of time on the Byfields lately...


...but they're just so darn poke-fun-at-able. Here's Byfield pere:

Sun, October 3, 2004
Albertans must prepare for the storm
By Ted Byfield -- Calgary Sun

Possibly the most significant date in the history of Alberta will fall within a year after Nov. 22. That's the date of the provincial election.

Some time after that, the Martin government will announce the New National Energy Program, the purpose of which will be to commandeer Alberta's natural resource revenues and convey them to Eastern Canada generally and to Quebec in particular.

This is not a possibility.

I think we should consider it a dead certainty.

Yup, the jack-booted thugs of the Eastern Commissars will come into your house, smash your kid's piggy-bank, and cart the proceeds back to Ontario and Quebec, laughing like fiends all the while. IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN PEOPLE!!! AND SOON!!! LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!!! But don't panic, Ted is here to tell you what to do.

I also believe it imposes on every Albertan a single decision.

When the Martin government proposes this, will we vote to separate from Canada?

Um, I'm going to put the rent money down on "No" for that one, Ted. Sorry 'bout that.

All this sounds like dire alarmism, I know, but consider the circumstances.

First the economic ones: Oil has hit $50 a barrel and is altogether likely to keep on going up.

That confers enormous economic advantage on this province.

And, in Ted's Alberta, we take that enormous economic advantage and sit on top of it, glaring hatefully at the neighbours all the while.

It will funnel billions more into the oil sands, and make Alberta the economic engine of the whole country.

Last week, we saw Imperial Oil announce it was finally moving its head office into Alberta, where it should have been all along.

This is only a beginning.

Money, jobs, technology, all these things and many more will begin gravitating into the province.

So far so good. This is supposed to provoke us to separate?

Now consider the political circumstances:

The minority Martin government almost certainly must face an election within two years, and it can call one any time it pleases.

To gain a majority, it must win more seats in Quebec and Ontario. The surefire means to gain support down there is to promise a major raid on "the Rich Oil Barons," meaning us.

It's a formula that has never failed. It is bound to happen.

Ok, that probably wins the 2004 award for "Most Concentrated Bullshit in a Newspaper Column." C'mon down, Ted!! Anyway, the "formula" has never failed because it's never been tried. Winning more seats in Quebec and Ontario (and the West) is going to be better achieved by supporting the frickin' municipalities anyway.

It is also a double-edged sword because it will cause a devastating split in the Tories.

Their Alberta and Western wing will go one way and their Ontario and Eastern wing will go another.

So we will have a single-issue federal election.

Do you want a government that is prepared to "stand for the interests of all Canada," or one that will "serve only the interests of a single, already very rich province?"

The Liberals will go back with a landslide.

The Alberta boom will come to an abrupt end.

Because every time the Liberals get into power, Alberta gets automatically screwed. Oh wait, what's the opposite of getting screwed? Right, that's what happens.

Anyway, the rest of the article is basically concerned with the timing of the descent of the Liberal hordes on Alberta, and whether they'll get here before the Queen does. And whether that will provoke loony people to try to hijack the provincial Conservative Party leadership. I mean, it's not like that's happening already... Or like it's never happened in the past... However, Ted does close off with a piece of good advice:

The answer is that we can think out the issue -- not angrily but coolly, not emotionally but rationally.

But remember, THE EASTERNERS ARE COMING!!! THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE OUR MONEY!!! THEY'RE EEEEEEVIL!! But let's all be rational.

Ah, the first post of October...


Our friend Link has decided that he's had enough of boring people stupid with his "rants" in the Edmonton Sun, and has apparently decided to take his little act to the national stage. Actually, this is pretty funny. If he wins, we're going to get to see ol' Link on his knees in front of Paul Martin begging for a job.

Fri, October 1, 2004

I'm in the race
By LINK BYFIELD -- Calgary Sun

Not the human race, surely.

It now looks almost certain that a provincial election will occur on Monday, Nov. 22.

This matters to me personally, because I'm running in it.

So, elections only matter to the people who're running them? Interesting take on democracy there, old boy.

I'm standing as a candidate for the Senate.

But Link, you do realize that will mean you will have to come out of your bunker, and actually go to Ottawa, should you win and sufficiently fellate the necessary people to actually get a seat.

On voting day, Albertans will be given two ballots, one to pick their local MLA, and the other to choose provincewide candidates for Alberta's three existing Senate vacancies.

Premier Klein will send the top three picks to Prime Minister Paul Martin, urging him to appoint them.

There is, of course, no guarantee Martin will do so. Alberta's first senatorial winner was appointed back in 1989.

Normally, however, prime ministers choose favourites from within their own party who nobody's heard of.

Actually, doofus, most of us have heard of the Prime Minister's own party.

This is why the Canadian Senate has little credibility or public respect.

Whereas, when the Byfield dynasty takes up its rightful seat in Canada's own House of Lords, the credibility and respect will shoot right through the roof! Hooray!

And so on and so forth. Anyway, I want to urge everyone out there to vote for Link for Senate. If he's elected, and his blowjob is of such quality that Martin actually appoints him, I promise, right here on this here blog, that we will shine the bright arc-light of accountability on Mr. Link. We will track his every move in the Upper Chamber! We will note the significance of his every utterance (except the snoring). We will present you with indepth statistical analysis of his salary versus the benefits you, the Canadian taxpayer, are deriving from it! In short, we will pester to the max! Until we get bored.

Undies...


Ok, time for a sports break here at Oi! Thump!. Not long ago, Mr. Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants Baseball Club (Est. 1883) hit the 700th Home Run of his illustrious career. And then, what has sadly become inevitable in such situations occurred...

Dispute over a Bonds home run arises again
Associated Press

SAN FRANCISCO -- The San Francisco Giants fan who caught Barry Bonds' 700th homer is being sued by another man who says he was the rightful owner of the prized ball, which he maintains was stolen from him during a mad scramble.

According to a restraining order to be filed in state court Tuesday, Timothy Murphy said Steve Williams stole the historic blast from him during a melee in the left-center bleachers at SBC Park on Sept. 17.

There is a solution for this sort of thing, you know. And here it is - the The Official Oi! Thump! Guide to Resolving Disputes Over Historic Baseballs:

1. If any one of the disputants is under 13 years of age, that person shall be awarded the baseball. In addition, if any of the disputants are under 13 years of age, any disputants over the age of 25 will be charged with assault.

2. If two or more of the disputants are under 13 years of age, the ball will be awarded to them jointly.

3. If any of the disputants are over the age of 40, they shall automatically be disqualified from any stake in the ball. And they shall be mocked.

4. Any disputant who uses any equipment other than a standard-issue baseball glove to attempt to catch the ball will be disqualified from any stake in the ball.

5. If there are no disputants under 13 years of age, the remaining disputants between the ages of 13 and 39 (inc.) shall be made to write an essay on the history and significance of baseball. The length of said essay will depend on the writer's age as follows: 13-19 y.o. = 2500 words, 20-29 y.o. = 5000 words, 30-39 y.o. = 10,000 words. The essays will be judged by a panel of baseball writers, and the winner will be given custody of the ball.

See, not too difficult...

Es geht gut...


Just came out of a German exam (my first actual, for-marks, thing since I got back on this crazy ship), and I must say I'll be very disappointed if I didn't kick its ass. Think I managed to keep my noun genders separate though. Not too much else going on, and Link's column from Friday was dead boring (Chretien was bad, etc. etc.). On the plus side, it appears that there's going to be a Mark Lisac book out soon (maybe already out - it's on the Fall 2004 list at Newest Press). For those of you who don't know, Lisac's probably been the best columnist on matters Albertan that I can remember, so I look forward to him puttting the boots to the whole concept of "Western alienation."

Latest quit smoking attempt is now one day old...


Haven't been about much in the past week, mostly because being a grad student is rather hard work (and all of you who like bleating on about "ivory towers" and "getting out into the real world" can go fuck yourselves), but also because I've been sicker than eight dogs. The next person to use this keyboard is probably doomed...

Anyway, here's Link's exciting take on the big scandal we're calling "Ralph's Night Out." For those of you who've been away, our dear premier skipped out on a vital health care conference with the other premiers to go, wait for it, to a casino... Yeah, he's going to get elected again too. Anyway, here's Link...

Waiting for a parade

Ralph misses key opportunity to fend off Ottawa's intrusions
By LINK BYFIELD -- Calgary Sun

Hey, how about that ol' Ralph, sneaking off to a casino instead of suffering through long days of pompous televised health policy wind-baggery this week in Ottawa.

Ralph played hooky, and I bet most people back here laughed. He looked like a kid skipping out on chores to go play. There's something charming about it.

And so on and so forth. You just know, too, that if some other premier had done that, Link would have cummed himself in righteous indignation, and the shear pomposity of the columns he wrote in response would have threatened all life on Earth. But when Darling Ralph steps out of line, it's written off as having "something charming" about it." Ladies and gentlemen, there's nothing charming about a lazy useless fuck-up being repeatedly placed in positions of authority and just as repeatedly disgracing and embarassing the people he's supposed to represent.

Ah, a day spent watching one of my favourite columnists ever tear Sean Hannity a new one is a day well spent. Not that I spent all day doing that, just the last little bit of it. I also fixed my last post, so you can now see exactly what's my text and what's Link's.