First We Had the War on Christmas, Now This...

Conservative Undeath alerts us to yet another savage attack on our Judaeo-Christian values...

Famed Hat Not The Only Yellow Thing About The New Curious George

Integral to the Curious George mythos is the character referred to as “The Man In The Yellow Hat” who takes care of George and helps him out of all the mischief the rambunctious primate happens to get into. But in this era where it is said traditional values no longer exist and the worth of one’s character is determined by what trendy progressive causes one might happen to support, the kindness he bestows upon his furry companion is no longer enough to demonstrate his compassion and understanding. Now in order to be categorized as an appropriate cinematic protagonist or figure worthy of admiration, the back story of The Man In The Yellow Hat must be altered to placate the sensitivity sentinels.

Ah yes, the dreaded "sensitivity sentinels." "Then they came for a small fictional monkey, and I spoke out tediously and plaintively, like I do every time I don't get exactly what I want."

According to Georgite canon, The Man In The Yellow Hat originally captured George on behalf of a zoo. Now in the movie version, The Man In The Yellow Hat is employed as an archaeologist sent to Africa on a quest for artifacts.

Oh my god, they're fucking with Curious George!! Noooooooooooo!! Because, as we all remember from our childhoods, the single most important item in the whole Curious George narrative was the fact that the MITYH was, not to put too fine a point on it, a poacher.

The reason behind the career change, the film’s director told USA Today, is that today capturing an animal would seem harsh and amounts to stealing. While George seems quite childlike in his stories, it must be remembered he is just an animal. Therefore, how can he be stolen unless inappropriately taken from another human being?

Ah, the conservative mind strikes again: if it can't be done with gratuitous cruelty, it's not worth doing. Anyway, as far as our little simian friend is concerned (I mean Curious George, not the author of the article), one feels moved to point out that he is portrayed as capable of finding gainful employment, and as receiving his medical care in a hospital as opposed to a veterinary clinic. Not bad for "just an animal," especially considering that most of the Conservative Life mob can only manage one of those two things, and that on a good day. And I can honestly say that I really I had no idea, when I crawled out of bed this morning, that I would devote some of my precious supply of brain power to arguing with conservatives over the humanity of Curious George.

It’s not like George ends up being used in laboratory experimentation. From what’s depicted in the storybooks, it always looked like he had a pretty good life as do many other zoo animals.

That is a truly stupid paragraph.