Oh No! Whatever Shall We Do?

So Tucker Carlson, single-handedly responsible for the unpopularity of bowties, and still apparently not recovered from his severe beat-down at the hands of Jon Stewart, has inveighed against us poor meek Canadians:

U.S. pundits unleash anti-Canada rhetoric
CTV.ca News Staff

Prime Minister Paul Martin may have been chastised for his blunt talk on U.S. relations, but his comments have sparked a spate of anti-Canada rhetoric south of the border.

Last week, MSNBC host Tucker Carlson told his audience Canada "is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving."

"He's nice, but you don't take him seriously."

The problem, of course, is that we are not, in fact, behaving like one's retarded cousin one sees at Thanksgiving, and that Carlson really wants us to start. Carlson, like most wingnuts, thinks that demented obsequiousness is the same as friendship.

"Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York," he told his audience, insisting it was pointless to tell Canada not to criticize the United States.

Everything Carlson says is pointless, but yes, it is particularly pointless to tell people living with free speech not to exercise it. As a matter of fact, I think I'll indulge in a little criticizin' right now. "The U.S. is run by a moron!" Ooh, this is fun.

"It only eggs them on. Canada is essentially a stalker, stalking the United States, right? Canada has little pictures of us in its bedroom, right?"

Well, these guys certainly do, and Tucker, you really don't wanna know what they do with your picture. Or maybe you do.

"It's unrequited love between Canada and the United States. We, meanwhile, don't even know Canada's name. We pay no attention at all," he said.

Which is why Tucker's been going on for several paragraphs about how evil we are. Who's supposed to be the stalker here?

"So have the Canadians gotten a little too big for their britches?" Fox News host Neil Cavuto asked his viewers last week. "Could our neighbours to the north soon be our enemies?"

Well, we already are Neil Cavuto's enemies, as is everybody possessed of decency, intelligence, good personal hygiene, a healthy sex life, etc. However, Neil, we've really got no problem with most of your countrymen, so you're kind of off on your own here.

Even the press secretary to former Republican senator Bob Dole weighed in, charging in a Washington Times commentary that Canada is a haven for terrorists.

Not Bob Dole's press secretary!!! NOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOOOO....OOOOOOOoooOOOOOOO!! Now we're fucked.

"Can Canada really be considered our friend anymore?" he wrote. "What other question can be asked when the Canadian government not only willingly allows Islamic terrorists into their country but does nothing to stop them from entering our nation?"

After reading that, I suddenly understood much better why Bush invaded Iraq, as opposed to a country that actually had something to do with 9/11. And that's all the time we're going to waste on this today!